What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
If you leave me a comment, I will love you forever. :)

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Why I'm the best (girl)friend you've ever had, and you will never know it.

I thought about you today. I think about you every day. During the course of a normal day, something reminds me of you no less than 10 times. You are important to me; you're my BEST friend. I know things about you, because you're important, and whenever I see something that you would like, I think of you. I probably even get out my phone and take a picture of it, so I can show you later that I saw this thing you would love. (You never saw that picture. Just trust me, it was perfect for you.)

I don't have a savings account. I mean, I do, but it exists only to hold the minimum balance for keeping it open; no more, no less. It's not that I've never made any money to put in a savings account... it's just that on my way from picking up my paycheck to the bank, I saw 15 things that reminded me of 14 different people, and I bought them all. Sure, it's a bit reckless, but if that money was just sitting in my bank account, that would be nice, but rather boring and selfish, don't you think? THIS way, I can use my money for the powers of good, AND you will know how much I love and think about you. Besides, Karma is real, so anything I do for another person is good for the universe.

That gift I bought you with my paycheck is sitting on a shelf somewhere in my house. I walk past it every day. Last month I added the new thing I got you. The gifts keep each other company. The thoughtful things I spent precious dollars on so that you would feel happy and loved are gathering dust in my cluttered apartment. Oh, you haven't seen my apartment?! I have lived here 2 years, but I didn't realize you'd never been in it... I guess I just figured we'd see each other soon, but time passed rather quickly. Anyway, next time I see you, I'll bring the things I bought. I forgot them this time, but I will remember them for sure next time. One of the things doesn't really apply to you anymore, you probably don't even remember the inside joke we had about that, so I might just leave that one home. But the thing I bought you yesterday you are going to LOVE. I can't wait to see the look on your face when I give you this physical proof of my love for you! We will laugh and you will feel so important. Extra bonus: I will feel like my money has REAL VALUE in your hands. (You have never seen these gifts. They are on my shelf under a layer of dust, and each day I say to myself, "tomorrow I'll go visit my friend and give the I'm-Thinking-of-You gifts!" Tomorrow I will walk past them again and say the same thing again, with an extra layer of guilt added on top. Two years will pass and you will wonder why you've never seen my apartment, and if I even care about you AT ALL.)

That text you sent me the other day? Hilarious. I laughed. I showed my co-worker how funny you are. They were jealous of how awesome our friendship is. When we were done talking, I dug my phone out to write you back, but I'd missed a few notifications while I was bragging about you.

Wait... I missed a car insurance payment? How did I forget to pay my car insurance?? Didn't I just pay it like a week ago? I guess not if they're threatening to cancel my policy... I'd better pay that... Huh. What did I get my phone out for? Oh, look, someone posted something on facebook! Annnnnd I'm lost in facebook land and you're waiting for a response to that hilarious thing you said 3 hours ago. (You'll never get that text I was going to write about how you're my best friend because you have the most perfect sense of humor.)

You'll text me again. If we're really close, I won't bother apologizing for not texting you back, because surely you already understand this about me. I'll probably be so excited to talk to you, and you'll ask how I'm doing. I'll tell you all about how I've been since we last talked (has it really been a week already? I meant to get back to you sooner...) and then I'll ask you how YOU are doing, because I can't wait to hear about your life. While I'm waiting for a response, I had a really good idea that I think you will LOVE, so I just opened my laptop and checked Pinterest really quick to see if it's doable.

Oh, it's doable alright! In fact, screw whatever I had planned for today, I am going to start on it RIGHT NOW because I love you so much and this is going to be SO GREAT! I dig out all my craft supplies that Pinterest said I needed, except, dang, I'm missing this ONE crucial thing, so I'll just run over to the craft store to get it. It's my last $5, but that's ok, because you are going to love this. At the craft store, they have the thing I want, but right next to it they have a similar thing... Oh no! This thing is A MILLION TIMES BETTER than that thing I was going to make you. I can't give you that thing now; it's complete crap compared to this other thing, and you deserve the best.

I go home with the entire craft store in hand (except that original garbage thing I was going to get, so sorry about that). I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my power bill because I spent the money on my new exciting hobby I'm going to use to improve your overall happiness. But obviously your overall happiness is far more important than my power bill, so I'll find a way to pay it later. The most important thing in the world is that I make you this really cool thing. After all, you've done so much for me.

Whoa, is that the time? The clock says it's 1am, but that can't be right. I was just at the craft store. The sun was shining, I came home and started this project for you... huh. I guess it really is that late. Wow, time flies when you're being such a good friend! Dang, you probably won't appreciate a text at 1am just in case you're sleeping, so I'll just explain to you tomorrow why I didn't read your response to my "how are YOU" text.

You might stop "liking" my posts on facebook because it's rude how I don't even text you back, but I always seem to have time to post on facebook. I would post a picture of what I did all day, but that would ruin your surprise, so I'll just let you assume I fell asleep or something. Man you'll feel so loved when you realize how much time I spent on your gift! It will be better than a dumb text anyway.

One day I will think of something I just HAVE to share on your facebook wall, so I click the share button, and I type in your name to tag you in it, but your name doesn't pop up in the list. That's weird, you're my best friend, why wouldn't you be in my friend's list? I'll ask you about it later when I have a minute...

If I'm really lucky, you'll let me know sooner than later with a formal "unfriending" announcement. Or maybe you won't tell me and wait to see how long it takes before I ask you why we aren't friends anymore. You will be waiting a very long time. What you don't understand is that three months can pass, and I will be over here thinking it's been a long weekend since we talked. You are wondering why I haven't commented on that huge lifestyle change you made, and I'm over here thinking about which Netflix show I'm going to recommend to you later. You will SO love this show as much as I do. Plus, it'll probably help distract you from that amazing new lifestyle thing you're going to be doing. I want to help you ease the transition. I'll text you about it tomorrow and you'll fall in love with it, and then we can talk about how amazing the show is next time we get together. That reminds me, we should get together! It's probably been a while, so we should catch up...

"Hey! What are you doing this weekend?"
You don't answer. It's ok, though, I understand. I do that to you all the time; you're probably just busy planning our next outing and you'll text me later. I'll just give you your space and text you tomorrow.

Ok, this is getting weird. You never ignore my text this long. I hope you're ok, but I don't want to send that awkward "didn't you get my text" text. I have an idea! I'll read your twitter feed and find out what's going on in your life that's got you so preoccupied. I'll kill two birds with one stone: find out why you're too busy to chat, and find out more about what you're interested in. Maybe something bad happened, you probably need a friend right now. Or maybe you just need to be alone. I'm a good friend; I can leave you alone when you need space. I'm sure you'll talk when you're ready.

Someone responded to my tweet about chocolate milk earlier, omg it's my most favorite blogger in the whole world and I CAN'T BELIEVE MY FAVORITE BLOGGER ANSWERED MY TWEET! I have to tell you what just happened, YOU. WILL. DIE.

Except... I typed in your name to write you a message (because it's not clingy if you use a different platform to text the second time), and your name didn't appear in the list. Fine, I'll just go to your page and post on your wall instead.

WHAT. THE. HELL. My best friend in the entire universe, the most important person on the planet, my soul mate IS NOT MY FACEBOOK FRIEND. When did this happen??? Surely it's a mistake. Must have been a glitch in facebook's system. I'll remember to text you later and find out what happened on facebook so we can get back to normal. Just as soon as I am finished with this tweet I'm sure you'll relate to.

By the time you tell me why we're not friends anymore, it will be too late to recover our friendship. You will have felt completely and totally unimportant to me for months by then, and what excuse could I possibly give for not noticing you were freezing me out for the last three MONTHS? No excuse in the world would make it OK. Little do I know, you've already grieved the loss of our friendship. I wonder if you even saw the 16 things I posted to the Pinterest board I made labeled "stuff I want to show [you]". I'll just go over and see if we're still friends on Pinterest. Maybe if you haven't deleted me there, we have a chance...

Whoa. How did I not see the last 85 pins you posted about friends who pretend to care about you, but they really aren't your friends at all, they were just pretending all along? I think you're pinning these about ME. Me, your best friend, the person who cares more about your hopes and dreams than even you do. I didn't even notice you were not OK... wow, I'm a terrible friend! I'd freeze me out too. I'll stop by and bring you the gifts I bought you (where are they now?) after work today. Oh, and I'll send you a snapchat to show you the half-finished incredibly-thoughtful handmade gift I haven't finished for you yet.

A half-finished project looks pretty pathetic in a picture. It's definitely not going to have the same effect as if I'd given it to you in person, so I'd better just hurry and finish it. I'll just look on Pinterest and remind myself how I was going to do those last details...

Some day you'll tell me that you never felt I genuinely cared about you. You might even call me selfish and accuse me of only caring about myself, never caring about how YOU were doing. You'll explain to me that I am too busy with my own self to even care what's up with you. Some day you'll tell me why you disappeared from my life and ripped my heart in half.

Or maybe you won't. And I'll think about every little word I ever said to you in the dark each night as I try to fall asleep, so I can figure out what I did so wrong. What did I say that made you leave my life completely? How can I show you how much you mean to me? Words are so pathetic at this point... Maybe if I take these gifts over and show you how much you're on my mind. (I'll do that tomorrow when I've had a good night's rest...)

It's been six years since we spoke every day. It's been six long years without my best friend. (Yes, of course I still call you that.) You never left my heart for a MOMENT. Some nights I write a letter to you in my head, so I can figure out how to say I'm sorry JUST RIGHT. But I never write that letter. If I didn't get a response to that letter, it would hurt too much. I can't endure that kind of rejection from you. But maybe I'll buy you this T-shirt that was SO MADE FOR YOU BTW. Maybe you'll remember how I know you better than anyone else in the world and I didn't forget about you. THEN you'll know that I care about you the MOST... 

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