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What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Things I Don't Do

I'm fighting the Sads hard today. That's what I call them because it's more than just feeling a little run down, it's more like an external force I'm up against. Sometimes I feel them tugging at me, like a small child does while the grown-ups are talking. Other days it feels more like sparring. Today is one of those days when I feel like I'm in the ring with an invisible enemy. I feel ridiculous, swinging at (what must look like) nothing. I know some people can't understand why it takes every little ounce of my energy to get through the day without giving up.

Being my friend, I imagine, is similar to being friends with an abused woman. She complains constantly about her problems, but never does anything to improve her situation.(This is not a comparison of my problems vs. abusive relationships, btw. Just stating that, as a friend, I imagine the frustration of listening to an unsolvable problem over and over is similar.) Every day I complain that my house is a mess, I'm depressed and overwhelmed, and I'm drowning in my own home. Yet I can't get my brain to shut up long enough to tell my legs to move so my arms can do the cleaning.

The cyclical thoughts consume me, and pretty sure I'm not only drowning in mess, I'm drowning in the "I'm not good enough"s and the "What's the point anyway?"s as well.

I know depression plays a big role. I know PMS plays a big role as well. But maybe there's also another element I'm missing.

As a young, newly-married mother of two, I worked hard. I took pride in my role as wife and mother. I was over the moon about having my own home, and took great pride in caring for it. I cooked. I cleaned. I decorated. I even made cupcakes for the neighbors. I worked out and stayed fit.

I wasn't the perfect wife, and still there were baskets of unfolded laundry sometimes, but I had so much pride in my little home. Admittedly, the ex and I would argue over the distribution of chores, occasionally I went on strike. I even remember HIDING dirty pots and pans when someone came over.

But I still had people over. And I cared if they saw my dirty dishes. Because I had pride. Visitors were extremely rare, I lived in Abilene, Kansas, for goodness sake. But still, I had the drive to keep a nice home.

When did I give up?

Was it when I lost my husband? Is that when I decided it wasn't worth the effort? Maybe I'm fighting more than just the demons of depression. Maybe I'm still not over the fact that I did all the wife things and still ended up no one's wife. My family still fell apart.

I still failed.


3 comments:

  1. I love you and think you're an amazing Mom and friend. i don't see it as complying i see it as a away to get your frustrations out and having people to talk to. I suffered over the years with cleaning because of pain. I rarely ever talked about my pain or anxiety or depression and still have a hard time today talking about. I sometimes feel like i am bothering people with my problems and should just be quiet. I try to do as much as i can sometimes but than pay for it later with pain. I have been dealing with it since high school and along with depression anxiety. You have taught it is okay to speak up and talk to people the ones that will be there for you will listen to you and do whatever they can even if all it is is listening and i love you for that! I am always here for you no matter what!

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  2. Aubs! I so wish I could give you a big hug right now (even though I know you're not big on hugs). First of all, please try not to feel like you failed. Life happens and we have go do our best to put some things behind us and move on. <<Easier said then done...I know. Its hard, I know, going from being a wife to a single mom. You don't just have to take care of the house and the kids anymore. You have so much more responsibility. You have to have some source of income, you pay all the bills, you do all the chores, you try to have some sort of social life, you take care of the kids alone, etc. It is SO exhausting. Hang in there, beautiful friend of mine. Just please know that I think the world of you and that you are doing an amazing job raising those handsome boys! I love you!

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  3. Sounds like things are difficult right now (and have been for a while) and how you're feeling is a reaction to this. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're only human.

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