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Monday, June 29, 2015

The Paradox: My Mid-Life Crisis: Part 2

This post is a follow-up post to My Mid-Life Crisis: Part 1

Here's the best part of this big decision-making. One decision leads into the next, and then back again, then in another direction altogether, and back... like a symphony.

The question starts out simple. It seems you should be able to easily answer it and buy a ticket to that place.

Question:

What do I want from life? 

Answer(s):

Freedom (money, flexibility, choices). 
Emotional stability.
Marriage. Happy marriage. 
Happy kids. 

But that leads to another question, doesn't it?

Question:

What does happy require? 

(A)Happy requires freedom, choices. Having freedom and choices requires money.

(Q): How do we acquire money? 

(A): Easy! Hard work.Sacrifice.

But there's another question, isn't there?

(Q): What am I willing to do, to sacrifice, for this kind of freedom? 

Answers to this one vary. Let's take one possible answer and run with it:

(A): I could go to school. 

More questions!
(Q): For what? 
(Q): How long will it take? 
(Q): How will I pay for it? 
Annnnnnd the BIG one:
How much of my children's lives will I be forced to miss in the process? 

Does this sacrifice make them better or worse? 
Is it better to obtain money (eventual stability), while they float in No-Mom Land during their formative/experimental years? 

Or is it better to sacrifice money and advancement in favor of quality time spent teaching my children, encouraging them to be their own, hard-working people, who are capable of creating their own freedom, security, choices, happiness? 


I get stuck in this perpetual circle, where questions lead to questions, and I NEVER BUY A TICKET IN ANY DIRECTION.

The worst part? While I grapple with this life-altering decision, time is escaping me. The kids I'm so desperately trying to stabilize are receiving a distracted version of me, with zero chance of advancement in the monetary realm, and little chance of becoming strong, hard-working adults.

And I? I still don't know what I want, I'm literally running out of time to live my own life, and still focusing on how to help them create theirs... which is not even helping them!

The logical answer, as I see it, is to focus on my stabilization, and hope they learn enough along the way to get along on their own by the time I get to where I'm going and they're grown. But my heart screams, DON'T MISS THIS PRECIOUS TIME! THEY'RE ONLY LITTLE ONCE! 

I'm beginning to think there is no answer.



If you're still with me, I hope you're more solidified than I am, because otherwise I imagine I've led you to your own personal breakdown by now. Or perhaps none of this made any sense, and I've only managed to confuse you, and make myself sound crazy. Hell, at least I've written something. It's nice to be back, even if it means admitting again that I'm a mess and have nothing figured out.

What else would you expect from me, though? You'd be disappointed if I came here with a story about how I figured it all out and everything is going perfectly according to plan. :) 

2 comments:

  1. Very insightful. Putting the confusion into words can help. But, confusion can mean the stupor of thought and cause you to examine the direction and take control even if it's a U-turn.

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  2. We are in the same boat. I know you've probably heard that before. But I just want you to know you're not alone. I have faith in a future for my family I don't have any answers but that's okay. I have complete faith that you'll make the best decision for you and those awesome boys!!

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