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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
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I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Monday, July 28, 2014

Gymphobia

I used to work out. I don't know if anyone remembers it; it's been years.

When Steve, the two older boys and I lived in Kansas (when Steve was in the Army), we worked out every single day. With a 6-month-old baby and a 3-year-old, I was in the best shape of my life. I wore a bikini. I wore SHORTS in public. I wore a size 4 jean.




I have never once set foot in a gym.

I assure you, this is not bragging. It was a relatively short time of my life, and since I got pregnant with Max (April 2009), I haven't been back to that healthy place. I'm not a naturally skinny person, so don't go thinking this was easy for me. I worked my literal butt off with P90X and riding my bike around Abilene. 2-3 hours of every day were consumed by fitness, and the rest of my day was spent planning and preparing healthy food to eat, when really I wanted to eat food that tasted good. My life revolved around getting skinny, and it worked. I was smaller than I was even during my teenage years.



Through all this, I never went to the gym. To my knowledge there wasn't one in the area, but even if there had been, I wouldn't have gone to it. I've always been terrified to sweat and bend over in front of people. It's just weird. (I went to a Zumba class once... it would have been comical, had it not almost killed me. THAT is hard work! And oh, the jiggling...)

Today I went to a gym.

I didn't die. No one pointed and laughed. No one "boo"ed me off the treadmill. In fact, no one even noticed me at all, because they were all working THEIR literal butts off!

Awesome, right? I'm not sure what I expected. That everyone there would know I didn't belong there and they would kick me out? Surely the fact that I'm overweight means I should be there, right? So why did I think the world would implode if I went to a gym?

Not only did no one jeer and sneer, but I also kind of enjoyed myself! There was a TV, and no kids wanting my attention. My sister was there, and we got to talk the whole time. We didn't even have to censor ourselves (again: NO KIDS!). I didn't have to watch myself work out in a mirror, like I had feared. I just watched that number on the machine go up and up, counting my miles. I went MILES (*squeal*)! There was a fan blowing cool air on me. I was sweating out toxins and getting stronger. After a while I forgot I was working out and realized I'd gone past my goal.

I didn't wear makeup. Or do my hair. And no one's face melted when they looked at me.

Then something cool happened. I wanted to drink WATER. Voluntarily!

And then, when we left, instead of being worn out... I was energized. Yeah, I said energized. I haven't felt energized in years!

Today I faced a fear and conquered it. I even made friends with it. The gym and I are friends.

My goals and reasons are different this time. I'm not looking to be the skinniest. I'm not looking for a perfect body. I'm not even looking for self-esteem.

My reasons for making friends with the gym:

  • Because I want to play with my kids while they are still young enough to want to play.
  • Because I want to FEEL good.
  • Because I want to be naked without fearing looking in the mirror.
  • Because I want cute clothes.
  • Because I love to swim and don't want to fear a swimsuit anymore.
  • Because I want my sleep back. 
  • Because my kids need to learn to be healthy before they are my age.
  • Because my spirit is trapped in this body.
  • Because I want my nieces to look up to me. 
  • Because THIS is NOT what I look like. My insides don't match my outsides.
  • Because I am vain. (Obviously this plays a part.)
  • Because I want my energy back.
  • Because I have seen pictures of myself recently and THIS IS NOT ME.
This is not what I look like, and I want ME back. I NEED me back.

3 comments:

  1. Go Aubrey! You have an advantage over some because you know what it feels like to be in that happy weight/spot in your life. You'll kick Ass to get back to it and those photos are proof you can get there again. And yes yes... First you do it for vanity, then health (at least I'll admit it) :)

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  2. Very happy for you mama. A lot of your reasons are the same reasons I decided to go full paleo a couple months ago (I was already on a pretty grain limited diet anyway, but it was still a leap). I feel fantastic and have lost 15 lbs. I don't so much care about the number, I just want to feel like my body on the outside reflects how I feel on the inside. Rock on with your bad self ;)

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  3. Get it girl! I've been so focused on fitness lately, and I'm still not friends with the gym. Or working out in front of people, more accurately. I don't go to the gym. Im working on picking up running, which I do along the canal near my house, and I get this weird self conscious jolt every time someone runs past me. Strangers, who I will never see again! Like all they're thinking is how slow I am or how ridiculous I look. Even if they were, why should I care!? Plus, they're not. They're too busy working they're literal butts off as you've pointed out. I'm pushing through it and getting my butt out there anyway, but you've inspired me to get the frick over it and just own it and focus on my own goals... Also, I'm catching up on your blog this evening. Can you tell? ;) xoxo

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