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What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Plateau

There's too much to make this beautiful. It's going to come out in spurts, with huge chunks missing. But at least it's going to come out.

New job is amazing. I love making my own living. I love having weekends off and not cleaning up after anyone. I love weekly pay days. I love that I had enough money to buy my son a real birthday present this year. I love the people I work with and the way the company gives me the ability to solve peoples' problems. I love the way someone can call with frustration and hang up the phone with a smile on their face, thanking me for my help. It's a completely different feeling than I ever had in retail.

However.

(You knew there was a however, didn't you?) 

I haven't seen my kids for more than ten minutes in weeks. I was able to spend Joshua's birthday with him for a few hours, but otherwise they are basically strangers to me. I'm here in time to say "goodnight guys!" and in the morning I rush them out the door to school and daycare. Then I share my time with their dad, and my heart aches for them. You know I'm desperate when I'm feeling nostalgic toward the SaHM days, even the Kansas days when I had no where to be except with them. (Don't get me wrong, I still remember how hard that was.) 

My Josh turned eleven this Monday. Eleven years old is when I met Andrea. When I said my first swear word. When I put on my first makeup. When I got my period. This is the end of his childhood as we know it, and I'm missing it. I still know why I chose to go out on my own, I still know why I left the security of a second income. It was still the right decision. But this sacrifice hurts more than I thought it would. I miss our talks, our laughs, our teaching moments, even the dreaded homework I had to help with. I miss being able to go on field trips and being home when they got home from school. This morning I noticed Asher is almost the same height as Josh. He looks like a person, not a kid, and I don't know when that even happened.



That's enough whining about that. I know there are people (my sister-in-law Kiyomi, for example) who never get to see their kids at all. I know I have a lot of blessings. 

I still don't have a divorce. It's been almost two years since I moved out, and still not one step closer to a legal divorce decree. Even if I wanted to spend two paychecks on the divorce, I am no closer to coming up with the terms for the paperwork than I was a year ago. It's so big I can't even approach it, because... how? When? 

I know I haven't written since I introduced you all to Boyfriend, but he's amazing. He loves me completely, spends his time and money making me happy, goes out of his way to do whatever I need. And yet, I can't find the time or energy to have a real relationship. Our time is spent in little slivers between kids and jobs and responsibilities, usually after bedtime when it's difficult to even keep my eyes open. Still time well spent, but hardly what either of us had in mind when we thought of being together. Between the two of us we have five kids, there are custody schedules and jobs and families to work around. It's complicated. I'm deeply in love, but forced to keep this at bay while I try to figure out how to do everything that needs to be done. He has the ability to take a terrible day and turn it into a smile on my face. He is the most amazing father and loves me like I didn't know was possible. I just can't deny that my girlfriend skills are seriously in question because of the way real life sucks up all my time. How does one build a new relationship where there isn't any room for new development? I don't know yet how, but I'm trying to find a way.




For the first time in my adult life, I have real health insurance. I got my very own card in the mail with my name on it, and it wasn't from Medicaid. I earned it all by myself. It's an incredible feeling and also a terrifying step, knowing all of this rides on my ability to keep up this job. 

My kids are struggling in school. I don't even have the energy to address this issue because it is so disheartening to me. I always struggled in school, and not knowing how to help them from a distance while I work is killing me. 

My brain is crowded and my heart is all twisted up in different emotions. I've missed this, my Pensieve. I need this outlet to unclog my mind, though I'm sure you've all given up on me writing anymore. 

This will all straighten out, I just know it... or it will continue on, and I will just keep holding on to this roller coaster for dear life. Either way, time marches on.

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