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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Saturday, August 24, 2013

Down-swing



My heart hurts. Two weeks now I've been fighting the sensation that I'm drowning in my own heartbreak.

Each morning I fight to get out of bed. I fight to force my arms to wash my hair. I fight to lift my legs out of the bathtub and into my clothes. I force a smile only to find that I'm not smiling.

Thank goodness I have a job. I don't think I'd get out of bed at all if I didn't have the risk of losing my job. My kids are blessings straight from God to keep me going. They give me purpose and keep me looking forward to tomorrow. Without my boys I don't think I'd keep trying.

For weeks I haven't dried my hair or put effort into my makeup. My appearance means very little to me lately. I'd rather cancel plans with people who matter to me than try to find clothes that fit and curl my hair. I don't want to answer questions about why I'm not happy.

Mornings like this one are especially difficult. All night I dreamed of him with her. They are happy together. I don't feel jealous anymore... I don't feel in love with him anymore. Nevertheless my dreams were stolen, broken, and left for dead. Someone else is going to live the dream I had.

I meet new people, good men, and I can't give myself. I don't think I even have possession of myself to give.

Met with my med doc this week. He's increased my Prozac prescription. It's going to help, I just know it. Faith is what I'm going on now. Faith that the cycle continues, that this rollercoaster will always go back up again. The low points never hold me for long.

I'll be on my way back up any day now. In the meantime, I thank the Lord for family and incredible friends who believe in me. I'm going to be okay, and when I come out the other side it will be because of them.

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