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What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Storm

The last four days have been warm, muggy days, followed by nightly thunder, lightning, and rain. It's beautiful but not especially fun to be out in.

This afternoon my kids asked if we could watch the home movie from when they were babies in Kansas. I love watching it but it takes a toll on me to watch us so happy. My voice even sounds happy, carefree, like I'm still fascinated by the world around me and hopeful about the future. But it's his voice that really gets to me. He sounds YOUNG. Happy. He laughs. I don't even recognize the sound... it took me several times rewinding it to realize it really was him laughing. I haven't heard it in years. While I watch the video I am happy. I smile and laugh and remember.

When I walk away from the television, the pit in my stomach is too heavy to bear. I feel like one of those cartoon characters, when someone blows a cannon ball through their middle, leaving a gaping hole.

He came to pick up the kids today. A strange sensation came over me and I felt for the first time like a stranger was coming over so I needed to get cleaned up. I have been married to him for eight years! He's seen me in much worse condition, but I felt like I needed to clean up the house and put some makeup on, like I do when ANYONE less than family shows up. I didn't think I would ever feel that around him. He's seen me at my absolute most vulnerable, he's seen me have his babies.. but now we're so far apart I can't have him seeing my face without makeup. That disturbed me so much I'm back in my bed, wondering how I'll ever get out of it again.

Each time I feel like I'm okay, I can move on, I'm making progress... I see his face and remember that every dream we had has died, and I can't tolerate it. I hold it together pretty well, I think.

Until I don't.

2 comments:

  1. You are so strong! I look up to you tons & am so glad that we became friends. You are amazing Aubrey! Hang in there beautiful momma!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. True love never dies . . . old dreams eventually go away . . . after they are replaced with new dreams.

    ReplyDelete

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