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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
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I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Thursday, May 23, 2013

One

It's been exactly one year since Husband and I split up. We've lived  in separate houses for 365 days. 52 weeks of trading kids back and forth.

This is how long I've been processing what has happened to my marriage, and I have to tell you, there's still a long way to go down this road. We are still yet to file divorce papers (-money-) and we're still on good terms with each other. The fights are few and far between, and our boys seem to mostly be thriving.

It's not a living hell like I imagined it would be, but the fact that we're both moving on is causing a bit of an emotional stir... feelings in me I don't fully understand yet. It's tough to describe it, but knowing that he's dating again has left me with several emotions all at once. At first I felt a stabbing pain, which made it impossible to get enough air, like he'd punctured my lung with the news. Then the fear came, just briefly, of losing him forever. I already know he's lost to me forever, but moving on solidifies it. It's really real. We really won't ever be husband and wife again. Of course this is what's best for us, but the reality has me choking a little. Then there's the emotion I truly didn't see coming:

Relief.

A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The relief of no longer having to feel responsible for his unhappiness. No longer having to feel the responsibility of caring for him. Judge me all you want, but when you've taken care of someone for ten years, it's not easy to just quit your care-taking job. I haven't stopped trying to keep him happy and stable and afloat like I always have. While others say it's not my job anymore, I help because I never taught him how to care for himself. He relied on me and I loved that he relied on me, so there was no need for him to learn to care for his own needs.

There's this relief that there won't be any lying. We don't live under the burden of our secrets anymore. It's out there, we understand that the other wants to explore their options, and eventually one or both of us will find replacements for each other in our lives.

This is a concept I have accepted about myself - that I was going to move on and find my new future at some point. But the reality of Steve doing the same knocked the wind out of me today.

What do I do with the knowledge that there's a girl out there somewhere bragging to her girlfriends about her amazing date with MY husband? How do I once and for all hand him over to someone else and just hope to all heaven's power that she won't break him? Not like I did... He deserves so much more than what he got from me. What if he chooses wrong, and he ends up with someone who isn't a step up from me? I can't fix that for him. He deserves to be happy. What if she fails at that like I did?

I can't rescue him from that.

And I have no idea what comes next for me or for him. It's a hideous realization and I'm not prepared for the implications. 

6 comments:

  1. You did not "break him". He was broken when you found him. If he has brainwashed you into believing that you broke him, then that alone is reason to leave that relationship and never look back.

    HE is responsible for his own choices, you are not responsible for his choices.

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  2. "He deserves so much more than what he got from me." ??!?!!?!
    What is this?!
    You my dear need to change that thinking. As hard as it is, and I know it is, stop worrying about him. He's a big boy who has made some big decisions for himself, let him be responsible for them. You need to FOCUS ON YOU...and being the best you can be and making changes to assure YOUR HAPPINESS. You deserve to be happy too!
    Love yourself and love your boys and the rest will all work itself out.

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  3. Those were my words, not his. We broke each other, as every divorced couple has.

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  4. I'm sorry, but I can't buy the notion that EVERY divorced couple "broke each other". I'm sure that's true in a majority of couples, but I know too many people who's marriage failed because one of them was selfish while the other was not . . . where one of them took advantage of the other's good nature and willingness to sacrifice for them . . . but they were not willing to respond in kind but were willing to take and take and take until their self-sacrificing spouse finally came to recognize that they were only being used, not loved.

    That's not the case with my divorce. We truly hurt each other, even though I believe both of us were trying our best, doing things in our own way, to try to help each other . . . but finding out, in the end, that our way of helping was not actually helping. So, I'm not talking about my divorce, I'm talking about others not me.

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  5. Oh. Hell. No.
    You did not do a single thing to that man.
    You deserve all the happy and love in this world. Let him go so you can move on.
    sending you so much love right now

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  6. I don't think you expressed anything here other than the raw and true emotions you're feeling (and rather eloquently if you ask me). Keep writing. Your honesty is inspiring.

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