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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Dear Santa

Last night as Josh was doing his homework, Asher decided to write his Christmas list. 
First he decided he wanted a small Lego set (because I told him the big ones are too expensive). 
Then he decided he liked the little turtle made of shells that he got from his grandma so much he would like another one. 
Then he wrote "coat" on the list, even though I told him we'd buy him one soon. 
Then he says to me, "I would like a sandwich for Christmas." 
I laugh, because that's such an Asher thing to say. 
Before he gets a chance to write down "sandwich", he piped up with, "I know! How about a new mom?"

Stunned.

"Why would you want that?" I manage to say. 
"You know, I could have you as my regular mom and I could get a step-mom for Christmas!" 
I took a few moments to ask myself if I'm dreaming or if that really just happened to me. I'm thinking, surely his dad isn't involved enough with anyone that he would be prepping the kids to have a step-mom?  

He could see the hurt on my face. He asked me what was wrong. 
I tried my best to explain while my mind was still reeling. 
"Well, in order for you to get a step-mom, Daddy would have to get married again to someone else. And that would be really hard for me because I was Daddy's wife for seven years, you know?" 

Asher started to cry. He realized what he'd said had hurt me. Wait, I didn't want him to hurt! I just didn't know what to say and I couldn't hide the pain I felt at the thought of my son getting another mom. Then I had to say something I don't believe yet, something I'm not even close to ready to say out loud: 

"Daddy and I aren't going to be married anymore, so it would be okay for him to get married again. That might really happen in the future." 

The idea of someone else stepping in to my kids' lives to act as Mom makes me completely nauseous. I almost threw up. I'm still not okay with the idea of someone else being with my husband. He was mine for almost ten years. How could I let someone else have him? 

But at the same time I realized I am, in fact, capable of making it okay for my kids. Because if their dad really did get re-married, I would have no choice but to make it okay. 



When I calmed Asher down, he added "YOU" to the list, with lots of "xoxoxo" to show he loves me. I may not have a man in my life, but I have three amazing little boys who love me and want me. Pretty much all a girl can ask for!

7 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness ... it is hard ... my kids have a stepmom and at first I was okay, but it actually has gotten harder the more she is involved with them ... but you're right ... you have to make it okay for them, and not let them be hurt about it or by it ... I feel for you, it's hard ... but you'll get through it ... <3

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  2. Removing knife from heart.

    You handled this great, mom. Much better than I think I could (envision Marianne sobbing in her Bailey's).

    Keep it up!

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  3. Oh no...this just stabbed me. I can sort of relate. When I was at my lowest of lows a few weeks ago, my son said, "Look at this picture. See how happy you is? You're not a good mommy no more."
    Ripped me apart.
    Sending so much love

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  4. Oh hun...I know how it feels. I've been there before. Heck, my son have a step-mom now. It's never easy but we just have to roll with the punches at best. Love ya and you are an awesome Mom!

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  5. This really touched home. My husband and I are divorcing and although we have been separated for two years, there has never been anyone else. Now, the reality of paperwork and finality of the divorce is looming and I have to say good bye to a life I loved. It is so hard, it was harder telling my son, even harder trying to figure out how to date and introduce men to my children, when to do it, if I should, etc.

    Nice to know someone else out there is also having those same issues.

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  6. Oh Aubrey, divorce is such a hard thing to navigate for so many different reasons!
    My story is a little different than yours, because I am the stepmom. My husband was dating a girl and she got pregnant. They moved in together and tried to make it work but ended up splitting up when my stepson was 1. I met my husband just over a year later, and man was it hard.
    I won't bore you with the details but what I will tell you is that no matter what happens, nobody in the whole entire universe will ever replace you in the eyes of your kids. Never.

    After my stepsons mom started dating a few years ago she encouraged her son to start calling her boyfriend/husband Dad.
    It cut me and my husband to pieces to hear it and so I can imagine what you felt the other day. My stepsons mom and stepdad are now divorcing and I think she learned a powerful lesson.

    You and your ex husband are the only two parents that your boys are going to have. No matter what happens, they will always have you two.
    Your kids sound adorable and precious and SMART.

    I promise that you are going to be okay, and I really commend your honesty when talking about the nitty gritty.

    Dawn

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  7. This was such a heart wrenchingly beautiful post <3

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