What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The right thing

I keep making decisions, based on feelings I think I have, with consequences I think I understand, hoping it's the right thing to do. I never know before I leap if I'm doing the right thing. Do other people know this, or is everyone going around like I am, guessing?

I don't even know after the fact if I've done the right thing. I keep waiting for that defining moment that tells me I'm on the right track, and... nothing.

I know the religious answer to this problem. Pray. If you are close to God, He will tell you. Despite my family's opinion of my relationship to God, I feel like I've got a pretty decent hold on this. I talk to God. He doesn't talk to me. And mostly I'm OK with this one-sided relationship... but the response I get to all my questions, "pray," doesn't help me much. I already do. I ask. I beg. I plead. I discuss. I'm still confused. 

I miss him. I know there's no going back now, but I MISS him. 
My kids want their life back. I robbed them of their family. I feel like a thief. Each time my seven-year-old cries for us all to be together again, I die a little more.
My bed feels empty, my days are pointless, my efforts unnoticed. 

I have to close my eyes tight and force out the loneliness. 

Does assurance ever come? Or will I always be wondering if I've made the right decision? I can't spend my life feeling this way.


  1. Put your troubles on the altar of the Lord and Him to take them. Then ask what He would have you do that you aren't already doing to show your willing to sacrifice and do it His way. I also have trouble understanding the answers at times because I would like them to come in my own way and, yes, I may know what answer I want, leaving little room for what is best for me - and He knows what I need more than I do. I'm trying to do better in that. Sometimes I forget to ask, "What lack I yet?" even though I know that if I ask, I will see those shortcomings and recognize when I'm trying to do it alone and independently. Your dad has a good experience along these lines - ask him to tell you about it.

    And, talk to the kids about the positive things that can come, like more one-on-one parent time, not always as a group. If they can see everyone getting along better because the two of you aren't living together and a greater effort to be kind, respectful and civilized, eventually they will understand better eventually. They can feel the peace if you can make it that way. They're growing up so fast. Josh was pointing out to me how it's only about 6 years until he gets a driver's license. They can understand a lot.

    If you made your life decisions strictly on current emotion it's like a ship without a rudder. And, if you made decisions based on Asher's emotions, that wouldn't be good either because kids are emotional, lack maturity and foresight as well as wisdom that comes only with time and experience. But, they can't be blown off and need to be heard, feelings acknowledged, then maybe redirected to the more positive aspect that can be found in the situation. They're great kids, you're doing a good job loving them and they will be OK with the right structure and explanations with time to absorb change - maybe some counseling. Keep your chin up and don't try to second guess yourself. It will get better for you too. I've seen it so many times. Patience.

  2. No big decision is made without lingering doubt, but it's done. Forward, always forward.


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