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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Dear Ex-Friend,

I got your letter.

I thought about writing you back. I thought about texting the number you gave me. I thought about ignoring you to make you wonder if it ever even came, or if I just hate you too much to respond.

Then I realized, I didn't want to contact you. I didn't want to re-open that long-shut door. Yet, I have things to say to you that I never got a chance to say.

I don't hate you.
I'm mad at you, but not for any of the reasons you think I am.
I'm not mad about the decisions you made.
I wasn't "offended" by you.

You have spent the last two and a half years completely off-base about what happened between us, and the fact that you still think that's what it's about astounds and offends me. What little opinion you must have had of me to believe I would disappear from your life because of the decision you made! I am a WAY better friend than that. I would have stood by your side no matter the decisions you were making because I loved YOU, had you been honest with me.

I won't lie and say your choices didn't upset me. I won't deny that during that particular time in my life it felt like a personal slap in the face that you would do the same that was done to me, to someone else. I won't pretend and say that I'm not mad at you for ruining the memory of my best friend's wedding. She deserved better from you, she deserved to look back on that day with ONLY joy. Yes, I'm mad about that. But I loved you enough to over-look all that, if it hadn't been for your dishonesty with me.

I have this problem where I trust people too easily, too thoroughly... and then when I've been wronged, I forgive too easily as well. I allow people to trample me and then, with the slightest hint at an apology, I welcome them back to trample me again and again.

When you lied to me and made me feel like I was nothing to you, it hurt TOO MUCH to ever risk it happening again. I loved you too damn much. I trusted you TOO DAMN MUCH. When I needed you most, when I trusted you to be my source of assurance and honesty, you not only lied to my face, but you went behind my back and told him it was OK to lie to me too.

There's more, but I don't need to say it. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to say what I've needed to say for years.

I loved you. I will always love the girl I knew. But the girl I knew wasn't real, and the pain of that realization was just too much to handle. I took you from my life and my children once, and as much as I would love to have that girl back, I simply cannot risk it again. I want only the best for your family and your future. I have literally prayed that he is good to you and your dreams come true. You will always be some of my best memories, my deepest conversations, some of my very best advice. I really, truly want the best for you, and I still miss you sometimes. I want you to know that.

I don't think you ever knew how important you were to me. Maybe that's my fault, I don't know. But you know now.

Aubrey Anne

1 comment:

  1. You told me once that your blog wasn't the place to bring this out, that i I wanted to talk, I could contact you. So I did. But you responded in a blog, so I'm posting this where you might actually read it.

    This whole damn thing is driving me crazy. I keep having all sorts of dreams where I finally talk to you, or we bash it out, or something. Something keeps telling me to do something... so here I am, doing something.

    I don't know what you are talking about. I never lied to you about anything other than my husband. And the only reason I lied to you about my husband, was because I didn't feel right about telling anyone before S&A knew, and they were on their honeymoon. And that lie I told you was so small, but it bothers me so much that I lied to you that I still remember it.

    That girl you knew wasn't real? I did everything I possibly could for you. I cared about you and those boys SO DAMN MUCH that I would have done anything to be there for you. I would never have allowed anyone to lie to you, let alone actually gone behind your back and told someone it was okay to. I am the most faithful friend in the world. I stood by you 100% even when you did things that I didn't agree with. What happened with me and my husband was never intended to hurt ANYONE, and the sad thing is that the one person who truly deserved an apology is the one person who has made an effort to forgive and actually tries to have a good relationship with us.

    I've made my amends where they truly need to be made. I don't know what you have been told, and I have no way of making you believe it, but I never lied to you about anything outside of my relationship. Don't you think that if I had lied to you about something so big that it would make you see me as a backstabbing, fake friend, that I would know what that is? "You have spent the last two and a half years completely off-base about what happened between us, and the fact that you still think that's what it's about astounds and offends me." Obviously I have no idea what you are talking about, because otherwise I wouldn't have been completely off-base. On the other hand, I'm completely offended that you were informed that I "lied" to you about something so big, that you believed it without confronting me first, and wrote our friendship completely off without any sort of conversation with me. I thought we were better friends than that. But hey, the past is the past.

    My point to all of this is that for 3 years, I have not been able to trust a single person other than my husband out of fear that everyone I love is going to hurt me in some way. What happened with us impacted me WORSE than my divorce. It truly broke my heart. And like you said, apparently I have been completely off-base about what it is you are mad about.

    We will never be the best friends we used to be. We might never really be friends again. The last thing I want is to cause any confusion in your boys. Losing them once was painful enough. I don't need to do it again. But I'm hoping that somehow, someday, we can get past this. That we can be at social things together without the awkward avoidance. I'm going through something you always swore you would be there for me for. It kills me that you are not. I can't ask your advice, and your advice is what I really need sometimes.

    Anyway, you can ignore me, contact me, blog post respond to me, whatever. I don't care. I just needed to do something.

    ReplyDelete

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