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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Monday, September 24, 2012

Self-loathing

"You are NOT fat," my mom said to me today. "You may not be where you want to be, but you're not fat."

Yes, I know. People have been saying that for the last fifty pounds. But still, here I sit in bigger jeans than I've ever worn in my life, feeling like I need to unbotton them to breathe.

Quite honestly my self-esteem has been a bit rocked lately, but if we're going to be really straight-forward, I've felt badly about myself my entire life. There's just something in me that says "you're not good enough" and always has.

You know what helped, though? Skinny.

I know the research says that self-loathing is there whether or not you are fat or skinny, like if a fat person loses a lot of weight they still feel like a fat person... but seriously, skinny really did help me feel like a better, more worthwhile person. It's not everything, but it helped A LOT. 2008 was the last time I could consider myself "skinny" or "fit". Since then I've had a steadily expanding waist, thighs, and arms I try to hide with bigger clothes and longer sleeves. Granted there was a pregnancy in there (2009), so of course I wasn't working on my figure for that year... but it's more than halfway through 2012 now and all I have to show for it is a double chin.

Look, I know it isn't about the weight. I know this is mostly emotional trauma. I know it's not about the food, and I'm not a lazy person. This is bigger than those things. Food as therapy isn't a new thing and I'm not the only one who does it. And it's not just the quiet, buried self-hate I have always felt.

Divorce is more than heartbreak. It's losing your best friend, your hopes and dreams, AND your ego all at once. It's another "you're not good enough" moment that you re-live over and over. There are SO MANY REASONS for what's happened to my body over time.

Well I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of being the fat friend when we go out. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and not wanting to leave the house because I don't fit into any of the gigantic clothes I already have. I am tired of making stupid, self-destructive decisions because I hate myself. I'm TIRED of being too tired to play with my boys.

Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do, I'll do it. I think this time I don't start with a workout plan... I start with a therapist. And it's not going to be an easy road.

You guys have my back, right? Cause there will be days I can't hold myself up. 

8 comments:

  1. I won't be behind you but I will be right beside you if you ever need anything!!!

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  2. Nicki Farley BrittonSeptember 24, 2012 at 7:07 PM

    Aubrey I love you. This one touched my heart, you've brought to life with your beautiful words some of the things I feel too. I love how you can find strength in your weaknesses. You give me courage and hope whenever I read one of your blogs. You are a beautiful strong woman. And I do have your back, anytime, anywhere!

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  3. Yes. Yes. Yes.
    I am so proud of you friend.
    Look within.
    We are here every step of the way.

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  4. I identify a lot with this post. As someone who has battled weight nearly my entire life, I had a great stretch in 2009/2010 where I was knocking on the door of skinny. Then I got complacent, boy #2 came along and I probably used him as an excuse to slack off in the name of baby raising, and now here I am back to the weight I was prior to that good stretch. All I know is that I was damn happy during that "skinny stretch" and I want it back. I started getting my act together again a few weeks ago, running and eating better, but still end up wiping out all of my hard work from the week on the weekend. I need to step it up and your post inspired me. I'm in, weekends and all.

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  5. A thought to ponder:

    There is only one way to gain the deepest understanding of the pains that mankind suffers. Watching others' pain teaches us some things. Listening to others express their pain teaches us some things. But, true, deep understanding comes to us in only one way . . . through experience. Sometimes those experiences come to us as a result of our own decisions; sometimes they come to us as a result of the decisions of others . . . we don't always "deserve" them . . . be we learn from them. We learn the most when we first, humble ourselves, and second struggle our way through them rather than run from them.

    All your life you have wanted to be a writer; you've felt deeply and you've wanted to share what you've learned and felt with others so that they might understand and feel them too.

    Writing that really matters, that touches people in their deepest, darkest, places, only comes from writers who have personal experience with pain. It never comes from someone who hasn't experienced pain . . . someone who has merely observed the pains of others. Whether your pain is self inflicted or inflicted upon you by others, it has a purpose. You only learn the purpose AFTER you've humbled yourself enough to become a keen observer, a discoverer of the truths that are hidden in the painful experiences. It is only AFTER the struggle that clarity comes.

    Right now you are in the depths of one of those experiences . . . one of the toughest ones. Bow your head as you feel it, then lift your chin and fight your way through it. Come out wiser and stronger on the other side. Then you'll be prepared to write about "what it all means" in ways that will help others fight their battles and come through them whole and wiser.

    You can do this. And, yes, I'll be there for you.

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  6. Girl, you are taking that first steps to make the decision to reclaim your life. I can relate to so many of what you wrote here. I had lost a lot weights but sometimes I still feel fat! That means, I still have issues within me to sort through. Keep on writing that will help you too. Sending you a big hug and we will support you here! :)

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  7. Self-loathing is the first step in realizing you need to turn that negativity around. You are SO on the right path! Girlfriend, we've all been there or ARE there. There are lots of times when I just hate myself.

    I join you...(extending my hand to you) to be a good support for you and a good listener. We all struggle. We all need some help. We all need acceptance. We all need confidence. We all need love. We all need self-love. It is a long, difficult road--you are right--but you have already taken the first steps. Congratulations!

    Now, you made me all teary. Hang in there. And pretty soon, you'll be filling your body (and soul) with nutrition that will fuel your busy life and will nurture you. And you will be tossing out some of those clothes. For now, you need to go for some stretchy, comfy clothes and give yourself a kiss and a hug from Pippi. OK?

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