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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
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I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Getting on with it

We've done this before, you know. We were married five years when Husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I was six months pregnant with Max when he moved out, and an absolute emotional, hormonal WRECK.

It was ugly. We were both angry. I was heartbroken and terrified, completely broke and too sick to work. He was a mess too, and our interactions were nothing short of nasty. Mean, resentful, and hateful. That's what separation was for us. Then something happened. Steve almost died and I sat by his hospital bed as his wife, explaining his medical history to the ER doctor. It changed everything. We needed to be together, to give it another shot. Because life is short and almost losing him from this life was just too much to handle. Both of us had already begun to move on, so our reconciliation was painful, something I would rather die than relive. We were separated for eight months.

Just after we got back together, I read a blog post by a woman who had gone through the same thing. She and her husband had separated, but then got back together for a year... and now they were getting a divorce. I remember thinking (maybe even commenting) that I would die if that happened to me. I begged the forces of the Universe not to let me waste another year on a marriage that would fail in the end anyway.

Steve and I were back together for two years. We've been married seven years now, together for nine and a half... excluding that period we just discussed. It has been difficult almost the ENTIRE time, and now it may seem as if we "wasted" two more years on a hopeless cause.

But here's the thing.. we have gone to the ends of the earth for a solution. We have tried everything there is to try. We have loved and lost and hurt and laughed together and have come to the same conclusion: it's just never going to work. He and I are never going to be what we want to be. We can love each other with all the intensity in the world and still never work together. But this time, it's different. It isn't ugly. It's sad because it's the end of an era. It's sad because we are walking away from the person we've loved since we were teenagers, but we BOTH know it this time. It isn't one-sided, and we both agree that we've run out of road to travel.

What has resulted is a peaceful, considerate interaction between us. We can legitimately care about what's best for the other, even though that means we have to live without each other. It's heart breaking in a completely different way. This time I don't feel like I'm drowning. This time I'm going to be OK.

It hurts now. It's hard to distract myself. But it's alright and I'm going to survive.

I'll need a bit more time to mourn, but overall, it's time to get on with it. 

11 comments:

  1. You can do this... It seems like to really understand its over... you have to try one more time... I did the same thing in my 18 year marriage... He left for nine months, came back for 2, and when it was over, I mean really over, It was like a HUGE weight was lifted off of me, and I found myself, and eventually came to believe that someone else would love me again, and want to touch me again... and then it happened... You can do this...

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    1. I'm finding it is a common theme... thank you for the encouragement!

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  2. That's a hard conclusion to come to in such a short amount of time. It goes to show what we know all along and how much we ignore. I hope the healing process is shorter than you expect. xo

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  3. :::HUGS::: ♥

    You've been through so much, and in my eyes you're one of the strongest women I know. You can do it! Give yourself as much time as you need to mourn and know that you have friends who love and support you! ♥

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    1. Thanks Becky, you're one of those lifetime friends I'm grateful to have!

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  4. Of course it wasn't a waste of time. You tried, you learned, and now you know. It's ok to mourn for a little longer. You've got plenty of time to get on with it.

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  5. It was NOT a waste of time. Until you have done EVERYTHING you can do to save your marriage you cannot give up on it and walk away cleanly. If you had walked away before you did everything that is possible to save it, you would always be looking back and wondering if you'd made the right decision. If you can look yourself in the eye and say, "I've truly done all that was in my power to make it work, THEN you can walk away and start over with a clear conscience and a peaceful heart. Otherwise you would never find peace. Now you can.

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  6. You are amazing! It's time for more happiness, more pleasant and joyful moments... even if you have to go through a slump to get there. Some people are so afraid of change because of what they're giving up that they don't see the possibilities of something better. Be hopeful and positive during this time. I didn't know Steve all that well, I've only been your friend but I know that you both deserve to be happy; whether that's with or without each other. Hang in there... you have lots of loving support! <3

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  7. btw this is miken... guess it was logged into eddy's account!

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  8. I love you! You're stronger than you even know! soon you can hold baby boy!! you just gotta convince him I'm serious about this eviction notice :)

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  9. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. But you sound like such a strong woman. You can do this. Keep writing. Just keep hanging on.

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