When times get really tough, I sink inside myself and panic. I worry until I'm physically ill, I think and think and write and pray and sleep. There are not enough hours in the day for all the thoughts I'm trying to process, but I accomplish absolutely nothing.
Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.
I always think if I just think it through some more, I'll find the answer. If I just keep processing it and looking at all the angles, I'll know what to do and how to do it. Once I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks. A woman asked me, "Are you a pros and cons kind of person or a follow your heart kind of person?" I always thought I was a pros and cons person... I always go through the pros/cons in my mind, but in reality I don't end up acting on my conclusions. I go with my heart, which has consistently lied to me over my twenty-seven years on this planet. Despite knowing exactly which direction I should go, I can't seem to take the first step, so I just throw rocks for a while, sink down to the ground to cry, and then run from the issue again.
Just like Jenny.
When there's no where to run, I turn to food. Greasy, unhealthy, fattening food that tastes forgiving on its way across my tongue. It has no choice but to comfort me, and sometimes it's the only thing I will turn to when I need relief. "Self-defeating behaviors" is pretty much my middle name.
I'm so with you on the food...
ReplyDeleteSiiiiigh. Me toooo.
DeleteI was a greasy food eater until I saw arterial plaque in a jar in Doc H's office. That killed that addiction. I've moved onto red wine and chocolate. Not much better, but soothing all the same...
ReplyDeleteThat is... so gross. Wine and chocolate, I'll take.
DeleteI can relate. I'm a pros and cons kind of girl in my head, but in the end I almost always go with my heart. Sorry things are hard right now -- that's lousy.
ReplyDeleteInstead of eating, I sleep a lot. I'm probably eating more, too, now that I think about it. So many crumbs in the bed.
ReplyDeleteI love black licorice. And dulce de leche ice cream. And rice crackers. Not all together - but one after the other. Oh yeah!
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to keep easy healthy snacks around - like grapes, mandarin oranges, small nugget pretzels. I wish I would choose sleep over eating! Ack!
I think, when times are hard, you take comfort where you can find it and we should be forgiving with ourselves about that.
ReplyDeleteI'm bummed that you feel betrayed by your heart. Maybe, that voice you usually listen to is something else...masquerading as your heart? Regardless, you CAN figure it out and you CAN change what's not working for you. You really can.
"Maybe that voice... is something else... masquerading as your heart?" I have considered this extensively. I have a sneaking suspicion it's fear.
DeleteYup, food is my binkie. And sometimes cigarettes. But shhhh.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I believe you can break the running cycle. You just have to decide to die on that hill.
"You just have to decide to die on that hill" is pretty much my new favorite mantra.
DeleteDr. Laura quote. Love it.
DeleteI'm sorry things are so hard. Truly. I eat and shop to comfort...a scary combination. :)
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better for you, Aubrey. You're one of the good ones.
Wow, I felt like I was reading about myself. I do the whole pros and cons things but I never act on my conclusions. I don't know if I go with my heart either. I think my heart wouldn't steer me wrong, but my head repeatedly does. Unfortunately, that's the thing I listen too. Sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope things get better soon.
ReplyDelete