Turning to food

When times get really tough, I sink inside myself and panic. I worry until I'm physically ill, I think and think and write and pray and sleep. There are not enough hours in the day for all the thoughts I'm trying to process, but I accomplish absolutely nothing.

Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks. 

I always think if I just think it through some more, I'll find the answer. If I just keep processing it and looking at all the angles, I'll know what to do and how to do it. Once I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks. A woman asked me, "Are you a pros and cons kind of person or a follow your heart kind of person?" I always thought I was a pros and cons person... I always go through the pros/cons in my mind, but in reality I don't end up acting on my conclusions. I go with my heart, which has consistently lied to me over my twenty-seven years on this planet. Despite knowing exactly which direction I should go, I can't seem to take the first step, so I just throw rocks for a while, sink down to the ground to cry, and then run from the issue again. 

Just like Jenny. 

When there's no where to run, I turn to food. Greasy, unhealthy, fattening food that tastes forgiving on its way across my tongue. It has no choice but to comfort me, and sometimes it's the only thing I will turn to when I need relief. "Self-defeating behaviors" is pretty much my middle name.