What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Friday, March 23, 2012

Things That Must Go

So, after my whining this week about how much my week sucked, I was hit with a bunch more bad news, including the fact that some of my teeth are probably not salvageable. That's right, I'm going to be toothless by the time I'm 35. (Dentures are sexy, right @jlweinberg?) Instead of dwelling on that, I've got a Things That Must Go post for you! Lucky you! Every morning on my favorite radio station they do a "Things That Must Go" segment. I rarely have an opportunity to listen to it anymore, but it's always one of my favorites.

Things That Must Go (according to me):

Whoever chooses the songs we play at work. Someone up at corporate apparently has had multiple affairs, because o-m-g these songs are messed up. I would post a list, but they are songs no one with any access to the 21st century has ever heard before. EVERY SINGLE SONG played in our store is 100% about having an affair or being the other woman. Not just strong undertones... they just come right out and say it. To whoever chooses the music at work... can we say relationship issues? Perhaps you should get some counseling instead of torturing us with your depressing playlist.
    The return of the '90s we seem to be having. Don't tell me you haven't noticed it... we're talking about ridiculously bright colors, those awful plastic sunglasses, etc. Two days ago an otherwise good-looking teenage guy was trying on shirts in the fitting room. He turned around and said, "The tag got caught on my rat-tail!"  Rat tail?! Is this guy kidding me???? How did he not get the memo that the rat-tail looks just like... well... a tail? Today I saw a woman wearing a fanny pack. A FANNY PACK, people! She wasn't even kiddin' around, either. I looked at her crazy, and she looked back like there wasn't any kind of strange time-warp thing happening or anything.

    And you aren't even ready for the worst part. Last Monday I was minding my own business, not even suspecting that the '80s were lurking around the corner, when BAM I ran right into two teenage boys sporting full-on, permed-in-the-back mullets. They had FRESHLY CUT mullets, and they aren't even old enough to have had that haircut SINCE the 1980's. These poor children were BORN in the '90's!

    It looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS, folks: 
    Except, they were white kids, with no cute dimple.
    There is no excuse for this, ladies and gentlemen. We must educate the next generation!

    Next on the list? Clogs. Clogs were never good-looking, and they aren't now. Just stop it, people, you're hurting my eyes.

    People who glare when I try to smile at their kids. I'm not some side-of-the-road creep trying to lure them into my windowless van with candy, I'm just the nice lady who works in the fitting room. I enjoy seeing children, as I've left mine at home to go to this minimum-wage job. Smiling and waving at your kids as they pass by is one of my only joys. Why on earth does this upset you so much? When people are nice to my kids in public, it makes me happy! I don't get it.

    Leaving a voice mail without leaving any helpful information about why you have called MUST go. Everyone you call has caller ID! Checking to see who called is easy; checking a voice mail is a giant pain in the butt. If I go through the effort to listen to your VM, it should at least give me more information than the notification my phone already gave me saying you called. If you don't feel like telling me why you called, hang up before the voice mail kicks in and I'll call you back.

    Grown men in Cookie Monster t-shirts. What on earth?

    (Unfortunately this is another one relating to work... I know you're all sick of hearing about The Hole, but I spend 30 hours of my week there, so you'll just need to get used to it.) :)

    I find it absolutely maddening when people come along, find an empty (sometimes not even empty!) cart and assume they can just take off with it. The fact that you were too lazy to get a cart on your way in gives you the right to take one from someone who made the effort to start with? It's parked in the fitting room cart parking "lot"! Obviously someone is coming back for it.

    Rick Santorum. That's all I'm going to say. He must go.

    Grown men who find it entertaining to scare people. Dear coworker, Jumping out and scaring the crap out of someone is not actually as cool as you think. You are the only one who finds it funny.

    People who pin/tweet pictures of puppies and cats. Why do you do that? Granted, I am not an animal person, and I have no animals. But people, they ALL LOOK THE SAME. Why on earth do you need to pin 600 different puppies?!

    *whew* Thanks for letting me vent, friends. I needed that!!!

    What have you noticed lately that MUST GO?


    1. They sell those cookie monster t-shorts at Target. My son keeps bugging my husband to buy one. I just give him the glare.
      Sorry to hear about your teeth :( My brother is in the same boat. He has some kind of bad bacteria in his mouth. He goes for cleaning and uses the crap the dentist gave him but it's not helping. I feel so bad for him.
      Yes the 90's...gah...that was the worst year for fashion.
      And mullets. My mother in law has been sporting one for years. Nasty.

    2. Dentures are sexy & you will rock them! You're gorgeous.

      What I've noticed lately that MUST GO are ass cracks hanging out of jeans. Everywhere I go. Yuck.

    3. Things that must go: Aggressive drivers. It's easy to list what must go. It's harder to figure out what to do about them. As to aggressive drivers, I suggest that all cars be mounted with front and rear facing paint guns. That way we can all express our feelings on the actual cars of aggressive drivers . . . thereby warning others who can see them coming or going BEFORE they are run off the road. :)

    4. i'm going to go ahead and disagree with you about the 90's coming back. i'm all for it... MINUS the mullet and perms. those were never good.

      i've been on that voicemail stance for years. WHY leave a voicemail? it just wastes my time! only leave a voicemail if you need to give me specific information because you didn't want to talk to me in the first place or if it's an emergency. that's it... that's all the reasons acceptable to leave a vm.

      oh aubrey, i love all your dramatic opinions. you and i are a lot alike. :)

    5. "Rick Santorum. That's all I'm going to say. He must go. "

      Absolutely. I have some very choice words to say about him which I will not repeat here...


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