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Monday, February 13, 2012

Wait.. when did I become the old lady in the club?



Saturday night was my friend/coworker Jaime's birthday party at Circle Lounge in Salt Lake. First off, I was deceived by the name. I thought "lounge" meant that there might be a place to sit. FYI, this was not the case.

Now, I haven't been to a club/bar/lounge in at least a year and a half, and I haven't been legitimately single for seven years. It's not exactly my scene. Husband came with me (thank God!) and he promised not to drink so he could drive. I got all dressed up, even bought a new shirt for the event (SO cute, wish I'd gotten a picture. Next time.)


While we were looking for a parking space (Downtown Salt Lake City on a Saturday night? Forget it) I told Husband to just give up and pay for parking.

"No," he said, "There's always someone leaving."

I said, "It's only ten thirty! No one is going to leave a club at ten thirty."

"Just wait," he said, looking at me sideways. "Some girl's boyfriend will kiss her best friend and she'll run out of there crying, opening up one of these spots."

So we circled the block three or four times until, sure enough, a couple of girls were leaving, opening up the perfect parking spot. In we went,


Leaving the car Husband said, "Do you need me to hold your ID in my wallet?" I said, "No, I'm going to take my purse inside." He looked at me crazy and I added, "For lipstick and wallet and stuff."

Thus making me the Old Lady in the club. It hadn't occurred to me that I would already be one of the oldest people there, but in addition to that it was standing (bumping) room only. Guess how convenient it was to have my purse in there? Yeah. I felt like I was carrying a diaper bag around all night. Even though I was more covered-up than every girl there, I felt like everyone could practically SEE my c-section scars like a label on my forehead: "I'M A MOM; I SHOULDN'T BE HERE."

Before we left the house, Husband asked me, "Is it going to be a meat market?"
I thought, isn't that what clubbing is all about? Aren't they all that way?

This was, by definition, a MEAT MARKET. It was like men were walking up, examining the livestock, and leading the drunk women away to be slaughtered. (Yes, I'm aware this makes me sound even OLDER. I don't care; that's what it is.) I said (yelled) to Husband, "every guy here looks exactly the same, except some of them are blond." He replied perfectly with, "I blame Jersey Shore."  YES. Exactly.

After some time and a few of my friends arrived, I got a bit more comfortable, but upon entering the women's restroom, I found a whole new arena. There were at least eight girls in a 2-stall bathroom, all with hair bigger than Snookie. They looked like real-life Bratz dolls.

Picture credit


 I heard a conversation like this:

"Yeah! He shoved me, so I punched him in the face!"
"OMG"
"I know, right?! I am not putting up with that, so I just punched him right in the face." 
"You did the right thing."
"I know. Let's go find him." 

Another conversation, while washing my hands (couldn't possibly get clean enough after touching those doors), "Ok girls, I'm ready. Let's go find us some American men cause we are hot Mexican ladies."

Seriously. I'm not making this stuff up.

One more trip to the bathroom, much later in the night, and this is my favorite:

"No, really, he totally did that to me."
"Oh yeah? Well, my BEST friend slept with MY BOYFRIEND, while we were together. Take THAT!"
Yes, folks, this was a competition for trashiest experience with a man. She repeated that sentence several times before I escaped.

And by escaped, I mean forced my way back through the crowd of nearly-naked women and overly-gelled men. I watched guys try to grab boobs and reach hands into girls' dresses (if you can call them dresses), and I watched women throw themselves at men.

I heard a group of guys outside smoking; one guy said, "I know, like when I see a girl fall, and I'm all, 'you're drunk'!" Laughter. This same guy inevitably took one of those drunk girls home and won't ever talk to her again.

I don't think I have ever been so grateful to have my husband's hand to hold. He was able to lead me through crowds, help me pretend I could dance, and drive my friend Monica home safely when she was definitely unable to do so herself. He gave me Tylenol for my massive headache (do you know how LOUD those places are?!) and listened to me go on and on about the girls I saw in the bathroom.

I ended the night by pulling off my hooker-ish boots and telling Husband, "Please don't ever let me be single again. It's just awful."

Happy Valentine's Day, friends! 

24 comments:

  1. lol i am dying. i remember those days... didn't quite seem as trashy back then though. picture me and you going clubbing we would probably sit (STAND) in the corner and make fun of dumb people. ok... maybe i'm just the mean one. but i would feel so out of place just like you did. how long did you stay? i feel exhausted by your experience after just reading it!

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    1. Haha, we were there a couple hours, mostly outside where people were smoking because - believe it or not - it was easier to breathe out there! LOL I would love to people-watch with you.

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    2. I haven't been "down town" to the "bar district" a.k.a "meat market" in years and that is exactly why.
      Well that and the fact that I've probably baby sat half of the population in there.
      Talk about awkward.

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  2. And that is exactly why I never want to be single again. Ever!

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  3. This is hilarious!! I couldn't imagine doing the club thing right now...and I know how OLD that makes me sound.:)

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  4. I hate the bar scene and I'm so glad I never really had to be in it. I've never felt young enough to enjoy it, even when I actually was! I'll stay home and drink where it's quiet and there are places to sit, thank you very much.

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  5. What is going on with our young people? Geez. I find it disturbing all those young women strutting their stuff. And yes, I realize how old that makes me sound. Hell, I am old. I suppose clubbing is clubbing no matter how many clothes you're wearing. Nice post...took me back.

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  6. I hear you. I never want to be single again, either. Plus at my age, I'd look ridiculous trying to dress like a Bratz doll. :)

    (here via Yeah Write)

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  7. love the real live Bratz dolls...i can only imagine how out of place I would have felt.

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  8. First of all: "Just wait," he said, looking at me sideways. "Some girl's boyfriend will kiss her best friend and she'll run out of there crying, opening up one of these spots."

    YOUR HUSBAND RULES.

    Secondly - that was hilarious!!! Oh man I wish I could have been there with you. We could have just stayed in the bathroom all night taking down every word spoken!!!!

    Great Post.

    ~The G is Silent

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    1. I really think I might go back just to tape record the bathroom convos. LOL Only a blogger could think of such things!

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  9. So funny, sad and true.

    I'm a "Been there - done that" kind of girl. So much to transfer to my little girl once older.

    www.mamaandthecity.com

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  10. I haven't been to a club for over 3 years. And I don't miss it AT ALL. Your post? A good reminder as to why :)

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  11. The word lounge is totally deceiving X-( Don't you just feel sorry for the girls in the bathroom?

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  12. Awks. I went to a friend's birthday at a club when my second kid was about a year old. Literally carried my car keys in my hand, I was so uncomfortable and ready to leave the whole time! Who can even be bothered! Lasted 30 minutes. Great friend ;)

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  13. ugh i was never a fan of the club scene- not when i wasn't old enough, not when i was, and certainly not now. :D
    good stuff!

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  14. Thank you so much for coming to see my blog!!! Tons of new people from Yeah Write!

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  15. This type of thing makes me SO glad I don't go to those meat markets anymore and am married. Not that I was every comfortable going to them - just...UGH!
    (-:

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  16. hahaha. At 28, I always am floored by how out of place I feel at clubs. heck, I even said to my husband tonight "the kids on american idol just keep getting younger and younger." oh man. it is happening. i'm getting old.

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  17. Even when I was single, I hated going to those types of places. Now I'm thankful I don't need to.

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  18. Those poor girls who think that is all they are worth.

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  19. Last time I was at a club, I was 8 months pregnant and it was my hubby & his best friend's combined thirtieth birthdays.
    Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb!

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  20. Gotta love those "trashiest experience" competitions. I've felt like the old lady in the club since I was under-21. Can I call that an "old soul"?

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  21. That was awesome. I went out out for the first time in forever this new years and I had a 'moment' in the car where I was trying to decide what to do with my stuff when a reached deep back into the memories of singlehood and remembered AHA! the ID, money and lipstick go in the pockets! I couldn't agree with you more, I never ever want to be single. It's too exhausting.
    BTW, in my bathroom experience I held back a girls hair while she puked in the garbage can. Seriously.

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