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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Monday, January 9, 2012

Separation Anxiety

Max has never really been a mama's boy, so his recent bout of separation anxiety has really surprised me. (I'm not gonna lie, I secretly love it, but that's just because he's always been so independent and such a Grandma's boy!)

I've been working about 30 hours/week lately, so it's been a bit of an adjustment for everyone involved. It's been six months since I started working (really? already?) and I'm finally getting used to being on my feet all day and being away from home so much, but Max has become increasingly fed up with not seeing me. He doesn't go to daycare, just stays home with Husband while I go to work.

But I just gotta tell ya...

His cute little voice begging, "No go work, Mom! Stay wid me! Please take you jacket off," just breaks my heart. A couple of days ago he threw himself on the floor and cried into the carpet because I said, "I'm sorry Baby, I have to go to work." When I get home he comes running to the door, "Mom! You go work?" Each and every time I leave the house he says, "Please me go wid you! Max's shoes!" If I don't get his shoes for him immediately, he cries because he thinks I'm going to leave him home again and go to work.

I know, I should just feel lucky that I've been able to work for six months without the crying and fit-throwing when I leave in the morning... a lot of people have to deal with that every single day. But my heart breaks for him. I was home with my other two boys almost every day of their little lives, and while I still feel wholeheartedly that becoming a working mom was the right choice for me (at that time), I still have guilt for not being home for him.

Quite honestly, I was becoming a terrible parent right about the time I got a job. I couldn't tolerate his fits, my fuse was shrinking rapidly, and I had completely given up on housework. I was burned out on the whole SaHM thing, and he didn't deserve that. Now when I come home from work, I'm exhausted, but I can't WAIT to pick him up and hug him. I can't wait to play with him and talk to him about his day. His smile completely re-invents my day, every time I come home and see he's glad to have me back. Even if work was awful (which it rarely is), I can come home and start over. (Although I generally just get overwhelmed with the housework that needs to be done.)

Some days I can't tell if Max is the one having separation anxiety or if it's me, but I keep reminding myself, when my baby (ok, he's a toddler now, but you can't stop me from calling him my baby) calls me "Dad" and has to correct himself, a lot of kids don't even get to see their fathers. He needs him too. It's my turn to do something for myself, progress a little in my life and remember that I'm a person, not just a mom. It's my turn to remember what it's like to get up and put makeup on my face every morning. It's my turn to remember that people buy CLOTHES for themselves, because they don't just wear their food-smeared pajamas all day. (No, really! There are people out there, and they get DRESSED each day!)

And it's Husband's turn to get to know his son.


  1. It's hard working and leaving kids at home or at a sitter. But I love what you said about being a better mom because I feel that is true for so many women. Kids would rather have a happy mom that works away from home, than a mad mom that is always home. Good for you, for doing this for yourself. And it is awesome that the dad can take over for you when you are at work. Best of both worlds.

  2. I hate leaving my baby everyday. But I love when I pop in at the end of the day and hear in his monotone voice "Hey momma!"....So cool.

  3. While the statement: "Kids would rather have a happy mom that works away from home, than a mad mom that is always home." is a true statement, let's not forget that those are not the only two options. There are many more possibilities that can bring happiness or misery. There are also very many happy SaHMs and there are very many unhappy working moms.

    The real blessing is being the type of mom that kids are happy to see, regardless of when they see you.


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