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I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Writing Endeavor: Update & Why I'm Pissed

What I Wish has been complete for a month now, but I haven't had the guts to get it printed without someone to proofread it, so it's still sitting as a file on my computer named "Compilation" instead of in the hands of the cute girls I wrote it for. Unfortunately everyone I know is pretty busy right now, so I don't see that it's going to happen any time soon (unless I have a volunteer??).

Honestly, though, I think I've also been standing in my own way, worrying about whether or not I'm qualified to hand out personal experience and advice to young girls. It's a pretty scary endeavor, and quite honestly I'm a little worried about pissing off their parents.

After six months of begging, pleading, and offering to sell them my children, Medicaid finally got me the meds I've been waiting for. Unfortunately they haven't really regulated in my system yet, so I'm in a pretty major funk (for lack of a better word). Depression, anxiety, fatigue, impatience, avoidance, etc. have kind of taken over my life the last few days. I go to work and fake it, but before and after work I've been kind of a monster. My poor family has to be sick of me by now, but still I have angel children who try to cheer me up, and Husband, who gets frustrated but always comes around.

I know I'm probably just chemically and hormonally imbalanced right now, but I'm pissed. I know I should be grateful because I have a roof over my head, awesome children, a job when so many don't have one, and food to feed my children. I KNOW this.

But I'm pissed, and I need to get it out.

I'm pissed at the unfairness of the world. I'm angry that I believe in OWS but I'm not DOING anything about it. I'm pissed at my inability to pay my bills, let alone buy ANYthing we need or want. I'm sick of being poor. I'm sick to death of saying, "We can't buy anything right now," when I know perfectly well that "right now" means EVER. Oh, and one-ply toilet paper just isn't cutting it. I know, I know, we can't afford the fancy stuff, but it's just not doing its JOB. I'm pissed that I work so much and I'm still just as broke as I was staying home, if not more so.

I'm pissed that there's no time to create anymore - and when there is time, no energy to do so. When I do have a day off, it's spent cleaning up everything no one else bothered to clean up while I was working all week. I want to write my book. I want to edit and print my book for my nieces. But there's just NO MORE emotional energy to spend after a day at work with strangers.

I'm pissed because Max just bent the tip off the very last good pen I own, and I can't replace it. I'm pissed that I'm writing with BICs. (Just so you know, I'm extremely aware what a snob I sound like right now.)

I'm pissed because my brand new sheets labeled QUEEN are six inches too big for my QUEEN size bed. I've put the sheets back on the bed approx. 30 times per day since I bought them last week.

I'm pissed that Jenna invited me to an awesome Halloween party, which I have a babysitter for, but I'm too fat to fit into a cute costume and too chicken to get dressed up and go anyway. I'm pissed at myself for not losing the weight by now, even though I KNEW I wanted to dress up and go out this year for Halloween.

I'm pissed that Husband's phone battery doesn't work at ALL anymore, and even after using ridiculously out-of-date phones for the last two years, there's still NO money to replace them with new ones. Another $15 Wal-Mart Nokia, here we come.  

I know I'm being a spoiled brat.
I know the things I'm pissed about are mostly just insignificant things that MOST people in the world don't have.

I know this.
But sometimes, you just have to be pissed.

4 comments:

  1. My dear Aubrey...your words cut right through me because I feel your pain. I'm living your pain.

    I volunteer by the way! I've been doing some editing and review work for a few authors over the past year. Email it to me chica. I'll MAKE the time for you.

    I know how it feels to want things and not be able to get them, even the Bic pens. Last week? I needed jeans that fit because my fat ass simply won't slide into the ones waiting in my closet to fit again one day. So I went to the thrift store and felt bad for spending $4.50 on 2 pairs of pants when there are other things needed at home. I want 2 incomes again, I hate trying to survive on mine alone.

    I have my kids whom I adore. I have my husband who is afraid I might break if he gets too close. We're not even a real couple anymore.

    Le sigh.

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  2. OMG, YES! I hate being poor! I hate depending on the government just to put food in my damn fridge! I hate that we spent $500 on a laptop and my husband lost his job two weeks later. FML

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  3. Me too :( And isn't that always the way?! As soon as you make a big purchase, you end up regretting it.

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  4. At least I know I'm not alone in this!

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