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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The truth that haunts me

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Throughout my life there have been so many people who said to me, "I love you because you say what the rest of us are thinking," that I began to believe it. People have always thought of me as the girl who wasn't afraid to call it like it is.

Too many to count.

Now, I'm no therapist, but this is the basis of my identity crisis, if you ask me. Why, then, am I unable to say what's really going through my head when faced with conflict?

The longer I am married to Husband (one of the most difficult people I've ever come across), the more I analyze this. I struggle endlessly with the concept that I am not actually that fearless girl (woman?) everyone said I was.

I'm here to confess something. I don't want to, but I think if I say it to you, I can maybe admit it to myself.

I am not fearless and outspoken really.

I can't speak up in conflict.
I speak up when there IS NO conflict.

I speak up to CREATE conflict where there is currently peace.

Just typing those words tore a seam in my heart, and I haven't even clicked PUBLISH yet. I don't know why this is so difficult for me to admit, but I am literally getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

What do you do when you aren't who you thought you were?


4 comments:

  1. Ooohhh....this hits home with me. I've been told the same thing too many times to count, but don't feel like I step up (or speak up) when it really, truly matters. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, and for stopping by my blog earlier today!

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  2. everyone has things that they don't want to admit they have struggles with. realizing there is room for improvement and then taking the initiative to actually do the improvement is the most admirable thing you could do. i'm sure everyone can relate to this... no one is perfect!

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  3. What do you do when you aren't who you thought you were?

    You humbly accept who you are.

    You hope others can accept who you are, but you don't count on that happening.

    You recognize that discovering and admitting who you really are is the first step to improving who you are.

    You set goals that will help you become who you want to be . . . ignoring, and even defying, the old image others have of who they think you are or who you should be.

    You plan on it taking a LOOOOOOOOONG time to become who you want to be . . . because it will take a long time before you get there.

    You never give up, but you occasionally stop to reevaluate whether or not your goal still fits your emotional needs. As you get older and have more experience in life some things that were once important to you will cease to be important and other things that you thought were not important will become vital.

    Forgive yourself when you make mistakes and do better tomorrow. Tomorrow, when you find that you weren't any better today, say to yourself, "Tomorrow I will make one teeny tiny improvement toward becoming who I want to be." And, when tomorrow comes, celebrate that teeny tiny improvement . . . even if you utterly failed in some other area of your life.

    Recognize that we CANNOT improve unless we have something better to reach for that we can't presently reach. The fact that we know we can improve makes it possible for us to improve.

    If you set yourself on this path, then you must recognize that YOU will always be your greatest critic. Yes, others may criticize you, but only you know the real gap that exists between who you are and who you want to become. While you are thinking about that, remember this: Only God knows whether or not you are doing your best. That is something that even you cannot know.

    Lastly, be true to yourself. If you are true to yourself and no one else understands you, you will still have peace in your heart.

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  4. Wow, thanks for the comments, you guys!! You are absolutely right; I need to just let go and let myself be what I am NOW.

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