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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Yep. Something is definitely not right.

The trouble with using medication to treat a long-term issue is that you start to forget why you're using it. I talk a lot about PPD, but honestly I've been depressed as long as I can remember. (My mom even says I came out of the womb depressed!) Sometimes, when I've been treating my depression well for months at a time (with a wonderful drug we call Prozac), I start to feel downright normal.

Occasionally this makes me wonder if I really need it. I'm fine, I think. I'm doing so much better! 

Then something happens (like my Medicaid gets dropped and I can't afford to pay for my meds anymore, such is the case this month), and I remember: I'm a total freak. I'm not better, I've just been treated with appropriate medication. I despise swallowing pills, so my brain tries to find reasons not to take them... crazy thoughts like, "I'm fine without my Prozac!" The only thing that reminds me to take my Prozac is my other medication, which is treatment for ADD. Without it I can't wake up at all, and I spend the entire day eating everything in sight, so it's easy to remember that I need it. 

So there I was, going along without my meds just fine, substituting coffee for the waking-up properties of my Concerta (except for the fact that Husband and I can't get along at ALL), and I realized: 

It's my birthday.
I got almost every single thing I wanted for my birthday. 
I just ordered a brand new laptop screen to replace my broken one, which will allow me to do all the writing and blogging I've been wishing for. 
Somehow, we miraculously had enough money to pay rent this month! 
Husband actually brought me home a slice of cake and a gift, even though I told him he didn't need to
My co-workers sang "happy birthday" to me when I got to work and announced a "happy birthday" message over the intercom. 
Someone had written HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUBREY! on all the schedules posted at work.
My sisters and nieces surprised me at work with a visit and a cupcake that tasted like my favorite kind of donut! 
My manager let me go home ten minutes early, which rarely happens, as I'm in charge of all the clothes in the fitting room at the end of the night. 

And I was completely miserable. 

This is not normal! Once in a while I forget that responding to good things in such negative ways is not normal behavior. By all definitions, things were going right! I had lots of good reasons to feel happy! But I could hardly even force a smile all day. 

Yep.  Something is definitely not right without my meds. It's not all in my head, I'm not making it up. It's real, and I've learned my lesson. 

Again.

3 comments:

  1. Oh my god, I KNOW. I think there's actually an identifiable condition where you convince yourself not to take your medication. I'm Canadian, and I can't even imagine having months where I can't afford my meds, but I have been in that place where the pills make me feel better and then I wonder if I need the pills and then, well, things start to go badly very fast. Happy birthday and good luck getting back on track.

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  2. http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=1010&sid=17135692

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  3. Both comments are fantastic. Bibliomama, you inspired this one: http://www.waytoomuchaubrey.com/2011/09/trouble-with-attention-deficit-disorder.html

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