What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
If you leave me a comment, I will love you forever. :)

Monday, September 12, 2011

The trouble with Attention Deficit Disorder

We've talked about my Adult A.D.D. before. You're familiar.

Just in case you've been living under a rock since before Tom Cruise, I'll help you out with a link.

 ...or two...

Moving on...
I've got this problem where my ADD and depression/anxiety are going to follow me around forever, whether I like it or not. It's like my son said this morning,

"Mom, my shadow won't get out of my way! Why won't it get out of my way??"

This is exactly how I feel about my... well, let's call them shadows, shall we? Constant companions, who occasionally "disappear" and fool us into thinking we could be without them, but always, always return to reminds us we are never alone.

Never free.

My ADD is not of the hyperactive variety. Quite the opposite, actually. I can't seem to focus or accomplish anything.  My kitchen is consistently piled high with dishes, my kids think the baskets of laundry "to be folded" are furniture, and my bedroom has looked like this since I moved in (five months ago).

Seriously. No floor.
You can't make this stuff up.

Oh, you didn't really think I'd show you without doing half the dishes first, did you?

When I am properly medicated, I do ok. My house isn't too embarrassing, I get out of bed for more than four hours at a time, and my mood stays fairly even-keel (more like regular ocean tides than the tsunami I would be without them). I can read a chapter or two at a time, I can write without losing my focus, and I can even be a decent blogger and friend.

This is not currently the case.

Medicaid dropped us Sept 1st, which means we have been uninsured for what, two weeks? (Don't be ridiculous, I can't keep track of the date!) It gets worse and worse.

The first day without meds, I can tell. 
I can't quite wake up, I'm drowsy all day long.
I'm snapping at everyone... Husband didn't make me coffee, heads must roll.
After a couple of hours I have a headache that can't be cured with Excedrin.
By Noon I've eaten everything in the house and am texting Husband, pleading for him to pick something up on his way home.
I go to bed early, after a long, impatient day with the kids.

The second day without meds...
Torture. Can't wake up at all. Sleep all day.
Headache doesn't go away.
Coffee doesn't help.
Irritation/anxiety is worse.
Depression cripples my ability to communicate with others.
I cancel previously-made plans in exchange for a dark, hopefully quiet house. I can't face anyone in this condition.
House is a wreck, dishes - are you kidding me?
Just putting in a load of laundry feels like a feat for someone much stronger than I am.

The second week without meds...
Well, let's just say it doesn't get better, it gets worse with time.
The headache is still here.
Sensitivity to light, short fuse, etc.. it's all still an unwanted house guest.
I'm still human
...wait, no. Pretty sure I'm not.

The inability to get up and do normal, everyday tasks is just a small issue.
Just reading a short news article or blog post is too much for my attention span.
Writing something this long takes all day, as I've been distracted fifteen times in the process.
Just a tiny problem, really.

The real problem with ADD is that the person who experiences this is supposed to

  1. Contact doctor.
  2. (wait on hold for 20 minutes) Make an appointment.
  3. (wait on hold for 45 minutes) Call Medicaid.
  4. Explain the situation to Medicaid worker without threatening violence toward this stranger. 
  5. (wait on hold for 30 minutes) Find out what Medicaid needs to fix the problem.
  6. Track down the paperwork they require this time (so random, and practically impossible for someone who can't even get out of bed).
  7. Travel to Workforce Services in their county within state business hours (don't get me started).
  8. Deal with the INCREDIBLY ornery WFS workers, just to fax the damn documents to the Big Secret Office.
  9. Wait 5-30 days for the WFS workers to get to case, process documents, and get it resolved.
  10. Pry yourself out of corner, take shower for the first time in weeks, and go pick up prescription (b/c some idiots took advantage of ADD meds to get high, the state requires this be a paper script you physically deliver to the pharmacy; can't be called in or picked up by anyone else).
  11. Wait at the pharmacy for your script to be filled. Try not to twitch in public. 
  12. Try to remember to take meds next morning. 
  13. Repeat every thirty days. 

I said a few things that were probably exaggerated a bit (mostly just the twitching part), but most of this is ENTIRELY accurate, and I have been playing this game for years. Some have it worse than I do, and they don't have insurance at all... those people can either pay $130 for 30 days of meds, or go without them... which is obviously worse.

Perhaps we ought to think about the healthcare system in this country? Just a thought.


  1. First of all, I am sorry to hear you are having problems with your Medicaid I sincerely hope that it will get fixed soon and you'd feel like your self again.

  2. Thanks hun! I just visited your blog, and I'm loving it. Apparently my computer was lying when it said there was an error posting my comment there, though... so I posted twice. Sorry 'bout that. :) Glad to meet you though!

  3. @Aubrey,

    I don't know what to say other than I love your writing. I love who you are and sorry I think I missed wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you celebrated it for at least a week. Birthday's deserve more than one day's worth of celebration. At least that's how we do it in our family. Except, this year I think Clark and I over did it. We've been celebrating all year long (oops!) :) So, I suppose according to what I believe, I'm not late! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! ♥ Keep blogging, it seems to make you happy and maybe it will help carry you until you finally get the medication you're working so hard to receive through this tough system that I hope our new President in 2012 will make it easier to get this medication quicker.

  4. The health care system is broken for sure, but keep in mind who runs Medicaid and you'll see why we don't want them in charge.


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