What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
If you leave me a comment, I will love you forever. :)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Rock-a-bye, Baby

Some days being a mom is the most amazing thing. You wake up to little smiling faces who look like you, your heart is just overflowing with love for them, and you know you couldn't be luckier.

And then there's some days.

Today was one of the latter type. You know the ones... where you wake up to three needy faces who forgot to brush their teeth last night, and they're breathing on you.

How can they have so many requests already? They JUST woke up!
No! Don't bite your brother!
No, you cannot play Nintendo at 6 am!

I always tell people that having all three kids of the same gender is awesome because they can be friends and keep each other entertained with the little games they make up together... Well, I take it back, damnit. Apparently that only lasts until one of them turns seven, because they do nothing but fight with each other now.

Oh, and the sweet little brother? Doesn't exist.
He's now a fire-breathing dragon who makes Stitch seem domesticated. (yeah, this guy:)

With only three months until he turns two, our home and our nerves are taking serious damage.

When attending social events, I frequently tell people that my babies are monsters who spend their first year of life screaming and puking and never, ever sleeping. Why do they always laugh? I'm not telling a joke. They should be crying for me! My children aren't tolerable until at least age three, when they finally start sleeping through the night and stop beating me to a bloody pulp.

{{If you're thinking that my parenting is probably to blame, here's what you should do: have a couple more kids, wait until they're at least five before judging, and then get back to me. I find the judgmental ones are always people who A) haven't had kids, B) only have one kid, who is currently about six months old, or C) have babysat a lot and think it's the same thing. Allow me to take this opportunity to vent about that... Seriously, people, if you sent the children home at 6pm, it is NOT the same as the never-ending, night-and-day, hair-pulling nightmare that is motherhood. Now, this is where I usually piss people off. There's always the few who haven't been able to conceive or adopt children who are offended by the way I speak, so let me be clear: I am in no way accusing the childless of being lesser than me... I am simply asking those who aren't in my shoes to avoid judging me.}}

Back to the point. My children are stubborn, violent little creatures who cry their entire first year, abuse me the second, and question authority all the years after that.

Today was one of those days when, by bedtime, I am recklessly throwing around obscene threats I swore I'd never use, i.e.
"...lock you in a tower..."
"...I swear I will eat you..."
" will go to your bed for the rest of the week!"
etc., etc., etc.

Tonight I praise the Lord for Ambien and television, and the beautiful silence of sleeping children.

...for now. 


  1. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I was just looking through my OLD e-mails, and I have been thinking about you guys lots! I miss all your writings! You make me feel real & not like a bad mom cause these days happen all too often! :) I hope all is well with you! I am now a follower. YAY! So I will again feel real and not horrible! :)

  2. Isn't payback FUN!? They say "What goes around comes around." Just glad I could be here to watch it when it came.

    Cheer up, after about 25 they turn into real people that you can reason with. :)


  3. hahaha i just laughed so hard. crazy kids. i love the lock you in a tower threat. classy! you are hilarious!

  4. Monica, it's so good to see you here again! Miken, you're my favorite because you can truly appreciate the absurdity that is me.

    And Dad... you're very funny. And mean. :)

  5. "...bed for the rest of the week" is nothing; I've come out with "I'll send you to your room for the rest of your life." And, I'm often telling them I'm sending them to the moon and to pick a color for their rocketships.
    Yes, my children make me crazy. And I'm so with you on your little side note! If you have the nerve to actually judge and have no clue, so back off! :)

  6. Hahahaha, I am definitely using the rocket ships line. Asher will totally love that! :) Your comments always crack me up, Colleen!


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