What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
If you leave me a comment, I will love you forever. :)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I got me a housewife

A while back, my sister shared this piece with me, and I posted it over at Just-A-Detour (my private family blog - you only get an invitation if I've met you face-to-face and totally trust you). Anyway, here it is for reference, first of all:

 I Want a Wife, by Judy Brady Syfers (1970)
1- I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.
2- Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that 1, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?
3- I would like to go back to school so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school, I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturant attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.
4- I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook.  I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and change of scene.
5- I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather difficult point I I have come across in my course studies. And I want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written them.
6- I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the baby-sitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d'oeuvres, that they are offered a second helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by myself.
7- I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.
8- If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.
9- When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife's duties. 
10- My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

This is a reasonable fantasy, right? As I spent the last (approx.) 8 years serving as a SaHM, I've thought about how amazing it would be to be on the other side of it all... go to work, come home to dinner, tell someone to wash my work clothes while I watch TV or something, claim my feet hurt too much to put the kids to bed...

Someone at my work got fired.
Someone else walked off the job, mid-shift.

And do you know what happened just two days before that?

I, clever girl that I am, left my boss a note. It read:
Bosswoman, (don't worry, I used her actual name)
My husband lost his job, so my availability is WIDE open.
Let me know if you have any hours you need filled; I'll take them!
Aubrey Ortega
Good timing, right? The very next day the girl who works the fitting room didn't show up to work, so I was called in to replace her. Remember how I was complaining about having 4-10 hours per week?


I was offered the fitting room position (35 hours a week), and I took it.
This has been a very, very, very long week.
It turns out I've completely forgotten what a full-time job felt like.

My feet are killing me.
My back hurts.
My fingers hurt (yes, I said fingers).
I never have time to eat, so I'm hungry all the time.
And I really, really miss my kids!

I come home from work, kick my shoes off, dramatically fall on the couch, straining to communicate the request for water. And you know what? It comes.

Last night I came home from work, feeling like I couldn't do another thing or I would surely die, and a miracle had occurred in the six hours I was gone.

The house was spotless.
The kitchen floor had been mopped.
The bathroom floor had been mopped!
Not a single toy in sight.

And you know what else?
He made me burritos.

Ladies and gentlemen, I got me a housewife, and it's awesome.

(As you can see, my new schedule has kinda cramped my blogging schedule... I promise I won't quit writing, though, ok?) 


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  2. Aubrey... this is by far the best post I've ever read!!! I wish I had a housewife but I really can't complain when Husband works physically hard every day and I sit on my behind at a computer for not even a full day. So in other words, I'm jealous :)

  3. i love this! i have NEVER come home to that much done. in fact, i was just out of town on a manager retreat and got back today - well the dishes i put in the dishwasher and cleaned are still there along with about a thousand dirty dishes in the sink. thanks hun! count your blessings... BUT don't get used to it either! lol.

  4. bwhahahah that amazing!!! Gooooo steve!! :) Oh and btw, you kick ass for busting ass! Im proud of you and miss u like crazzzy! xoxo

  5. Haha, I definitely didn't let myself get used to it! It was kind of a once-or-twice event. ;)


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