Visitors:

What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
If you leave me a comment, I will love you forever. :)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

What I REALLY Wish I Knew

Yesterday I was sitting down to write more for the What I Wish I Knew book I'm putting together for my nieces, and I drew a great big BLANK. So I pulled out my old journal from high school and read it, hoping for some inspirational way to sum-up what I wish I had known back then. (Important info: this journal started the summer before sophomore year, and ended around the end of my sophomore year.)

Do you know what I learned? 
I'm a pathetic, shallow man-lover. 

Ok, scratch that. I was a pathetic, shallow man-lover. 

I am not exaggerating when I say that my entire journal was filled cover-to-cover with nothing but incessant ramblings about boys. I know you're thinking "that's normal," but it's even worse than you're thinking. Every single thing I did was completely and utterly driven by my intentions with boy-of-the-moment. (That's not an exaggeration either... the boy "problems" I was ranting about lasted about as long as a lifesaver before being replaced by a new boy and a new "problem.") Not a single thing of substance was said. 

A lot of important things happened that year. Big things that I remember vividly. But do you think I wrote a single word about them? No, I did not. I wrote about every single thing I ever thought, said, or felt about every single boy I ever met, but nothing of the real stuff. There are guys in there I don't even remember meeting, but apparently they were sooooo amazing. Ugh. One line in my journal actually said, "I know he's not very empathetic, and he's lied a lot... but I just love the way he treats me."

Um... what?!

That's the other thing... everything I wrote revolved around what so-and-so said about me, how he made me feel special... About 95% of the content was based in how someone flattered me; only about 5% about the actual character of that guy. It turns out I wasn't just boy-crazy, I was also completely self-centered. I didn't write about family or friends or school... just when some boy said I was pretty or looked at me in "that way". This isn't a huge shock, but I am definitely surprised by the intensity of it. I was pretty sure I had more substance than most teenagers... at the time. 

It's a weird feeling, wondering if you wasted your youth... Not being who you thought you were.


3 comments:

  1. I know what you mean Aubrey. I spent way to much time in HS worrying about what everyone thought of me. Then I graduated and grew up and realized that I probably wouldnt see 99% of those HS kids again, so why did I waste my time. It's one of those live and learn things and I think everyone goes through it one way or another. Love you, Jen

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my gosh, I will re-read my diary/journal sometimes and it's a laugh fest!! I had one serious boyfriend all throughout high school and he treated me like CRAP and every other page was me complaining how bad he treated me and the other half was me saying how much I loved him. I'm like Why DO you love him girl?!?! I am also way dramatic than any teenage girl should ever be so it makes me realize how far I've come since then :) P.S. I want to come visit the new store you're at! Hopefully I can catch ya!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Crystalyn, yes please! Come visit! And Jen... so right.

    ReplyDelete

Comments make me ultra happy! Tell me who you are, what you think, why you're here...