What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
If you leave me a comment, I will love you forever. :)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Ambien Freewrite: A Declaration

Dear Aubrey,

A new era is beginning.
A new day is dawning.
Aubrey Anne Miller Ortega or whatever my name was, I renounce you. 
Be gone.

I’m talking about the Aubrey who was given a middle name by society and never lost that middle name. Being Aubrey Anne was my identity for years… but did they know it wasn’t my name? 

I am talking about the Aubrey who walks around scared at every moment, jumping at everything that comes around the corner. I am talking about the Aubrey who has lost herself completely.

Let’s mourn together for this Aubrey Anne Miller Ortega.
She is something that does not exist. 
She fears paranoid fears.
The Aubrey who feels uncomfortable in her own skin, in her own reflection, in her own name…

The Aubrey who doesn’t know why she’s lost so many friends.
Aubrey is a phenomenal friend. What went wrong so many times, is the question Aubrey needs answered.

THIS Aubrey, the Aubrey Miller deep inside me, the one who carried herself with NO fear-
With NO concerns with the future or the present or the past. 

The Aubrey Miller of Viewmont High School. 
The one they call Aubrey Anne Miller. 
It’s not just a name… it was a reputation.
That reputation is gone. High school  is over. 

Only a select few remember Aubrey Miller in her genuine form, and a few more who remember Aubrey Anne, the person.

So that reputation didn’t matter at all, I wonder?
Except I know that if I were to get back to Aubrey Miller, I could become what I want to be.

New Aubrey starts tomorrow. 
I live for me. 
I live to be free, to be a strong, confident person who takes care of herself and can hold her head up high. 
I live to acquire my own income to use at my own discretion, and I live to 
My hair.
My nails.
My piercings.
My clothes.
My décor.
My attitude.

My ability to speak up and speak out against!
My drive to be a real person AND a damn good wife and mother.
My ferocious need to prove my competency.

My truth and brutality!
My empathy and pain.

So what if it crushes me again?
Could the result of this be any worse than the hole I've been hiding in?

Wake up, little emo kid. 
You’re in there… it’s time to come out,
Come out, wherever you are.

The ones who really love you will be waiting to catch you if you fall.

The ones who really love you can read your true words and rejoice in who you are.
The ones who really love you can put up with your potty mouth to get to the creamy center.
The ones who really love you know you are sloppy and messy. 
They know you are so A.D.D. you’re practically handicap.
The ones who really know you understand that you will conquer that and do great things with your mind and body.
The ones who really love you want to hear it how it really is, and they want to see the light back in your face from telling it.
The ones who KNOW YOU, Aubrey “Anne” Miller, will cheer for this declaration of independence. 
They will say,  
“It’s about time we get our girl back!” 

And the rest of them will be stunned to find out they never knew you at all.

Can you handle it? 
Don’t even let it cross your mind. 
You are AUBREY ANNE MILLER, for hell's sake. 
Nobody questions you, not even you.  

How did it take you so long to find you again, when you were in there all along?
Let your real light shine.

As the great rapper T.I. said,  
“Never mind what haters say; ignore ‘em ‘till they fade away.” 
Amen, T.I.  


  1. Amazing Aubrey! I love you sooo much and just cuz we hardly talk, dont think that I dont consider you my friend. We had a special connection in KS and that always stays with me. Im proud of you lady. i love you for who u really are!

  2. Aubrey - Over the years, I've tried to teach you some of the things that God has taught me over the years. You sound like you are struggling with many of the same feelings I've dealt with throughout my lifetime.

    Please remember:

    God made you the way he made you for a very important reason. You are not supposed to be like everyone else.

    Your job here on earth is to use the talents he gave you to do good with those talents and be there, having the talents that are necessary, when the moment(s) arrive that you are needed to use those very talents to help others.

    You are a child of a heavenly Father and Mother. They sent you here to have the experiences that are necessary to learn to grow up to be just like them . . . to be good . . . to love people unconditionally, while not liking everything they do to themselves and to others.

    It's hard . . . very hard . . . but you are going a great job and I'm proud of you. I love you.


  3. You seem to write so much of what I think/feel, this particularly. Sometimes I'm not sure who I am because I'm positive that there used to be a girl residing in this body who I haven't seen in quite a while. I'm not showing many residual signs of who she was. I need to dig her out. Thanks for the reminder. I'm so glad to have stumbled upon "To the Depths" that night!

  4. Was this the post on Ambien? Sorry about your confusion and identity problems. You're great and I love you!


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