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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to

Yesterday was my 26th birthday.

I have been alive for 26 years.

I am closer to 30 than 20.
I was just getting used to being closer to 20 than 15.... and closer to 25 than 20.

I still feel 15.

You know what you can do if you're having trouble feeling your age? Go back to the amusement park where you spent your summers when you were approx. 15 and spend a day there watching the 15-year-olds make out. They look like 7-year-olds.

Today my second son Asher started preschool. He'll be 5 in three weeks, but he's not quite old enough for Kindergarten, so he's starting preschool instead. It's a weird, lonely feeling having only one baby at home. Asher was my baby, and I'm still not used to him being a "big" kid. He isn't shaped like a toddler anymore, he's got big kid features. He doesn't talk like a baby anymore, he doesn't call me "mommy" or "mama" anymore... and I have a new little baby.

I wish someone had told me when I had my first baby that even if you have subsequent babies, you never stop missing your first baby. When Asher was born I thought it would be great because I missed Baby Josh so much. Turns out Baby Josh was completely different than Baby Asher, so I still miss my Joshy baby. And now that I have my sweet Baby Max, I still miss my Asher Baby.

Asher was born when I was twenty-one years old, and we moved to Kansas when he was five months old. He was a colicky baby who never, ever slept, except when he was nursing (which he did 23 hours a day) until he was 18 months old. He was definitely one of those "the umbilical cord was never cut" babies. I was stubborn and didn't dare sleep with him in my bed, so I stumbled up the stairs every 20 minutes all night long when he would wake up screaming in his crib. There we'd sit, in my grandmother's pink rocking chair, unable to keep our eyes open as I nursed him back to sleep. Each and every time he'd fall asleep in my arms, so I'd stand up as carefully as I could, tip-toe over to his crib, ease him down in, and PRAY with all my might that he'd stay asleep. The moment his head hit the sheets, his eyes popped open and he'd start to wail. It was a personal offense that I wanted to put him down and walk away, and he was relentless with his crying. He'd never give up, so there I was, every night... rocking and nursing, rocking and nursing. I slept sitting up for a year and a half.

I miss my sweet baby. He was a royal pain about sleep, and even during the day he expected to be carried each and every moment... but there never was a sweeter, more loving baby. When he wanted to show you love, he could win your heart with just a look. Even in the depths of my postpartum depression, when I was delirious from not sleeping for weeks on end, he could still make me feel like there was nothing in the world more worthwhile to do. He's still like that. Everyone who meets Asher falls in love with him. He loves to make people laugh and shock people with weird things he says, or scare people by climbing up high and showing them he's "brave enough." He's a daredevil and talks tough, but he's the most loving kid I have ever met. If he loves you, you feel it, and he'll make sure you never forget it.

Now he's off at school, and I'm here wondering what happened to my little squishy-face Ash baby. He's no longer the enormously chubby little boy who causes trouble, he's sitting in a chair with his name on it, listening to a teacher and meeting new friends at school.

It's my birthday (week) and I'll cry if I want to.

2 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Aubrey! It's insane how quickly time goes by...

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  2. I'm dealing with the same thing right now Aubrey. Zachary started Kindergarten this past Tuesday and its eating me up. Hes a handful but I wasn't ready for him to leave me....everything you wrote, i feel too. oh and just so you know...i know what you mean about asher. he stole my heart as soon as i met him! :) Oh and Happy Birthday Miss! :)

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