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The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
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I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Racing Thoughts

As the months pass and my near-divorce disappears into the rear-view mirror, I find myself slowly recovering from the pain and betrayal I have felt. When I say slowly, I mean really, really slowly. Pain does not walk away quickly, and the road we're taking is extremely long. The events of the last year, and all the feelings wrapped up in them, are requiring an intense amount of concentration and dedication to keep at bay.

I am learning to take the first thought that comes to me and push it with all my might to the back of my mind, where it gets swallowed up and lost in present-day issues. I am learning to close my eyes when something is going to trigger my memories and wait for it to pass. I am learning to put a smile on my face and say a kind word when I am unable to avoid the suffocating feelings I've been trying to overcome -- when the wounded part of me wants to say something mean or shut him out in the name of protection. I am learning to lay down my sword and shield, take off my armor, and be vulnerable again.

There are still days when something is said, or I can't escape a memory, when I break down and let the tears fall. I curl up in a ball and sob until there's nothing left to cry. There are still days when my attitude doesn't match my circumstance because I haven't conquered my pain, despite the new life I'm living.

Husband is a new man. I am a new woman.

We are a new institution.

But on those days... I can't do anything but mourn for what we had to go through - and what was given up - in order to start anew and do this right.

1 comment:

  1. sometimes it requires going almost to the point of no return to look back on a relationship and realize it's worth saving. good luck... time heals all. love you!

    ReplyDelete

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