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What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Friday, August 13, 2010

August 4, 2010 - Awake

The following text is a journal entry I made August 4, 2010.


I woke up this morning and I'm still here. Somehow I eventually fell asleep last night, despite the snoring and moaning. I miss my husband so much I could cry.

At first I wondered why Ashley* wasn't waking up for breakfast. There's no way she slept through the booming voice that said (yelled?) "breakfast" at our door at 8 am. Then I got to the lunchroom and immediately knew why no one would bother waking up for breakfast in this shit hole. I found a row of plates with one slice of cold ham, one revolting thing that looks like it's supposed to be a cinnamon roll (even after tasting it, I'm still unsure), and one scoop of room-temperature canned apricots. I ate about one bite of each, wanted to throw up, and threw away my food. No wonder there's no hope in these people. No one even bothers to serve them edible food.

I got my toiletries from the front desk but didn't bother showering. There's no reason to use that awful shower here. I threw my hair in a ponytail, put some makeup on and went to the desk. The phones were turned off, so I couldn't call Steve, and the front desk lady didn't give me much hope that I might see someone for meds today. Apparently the med dr here is in meetings most of the day, so she'll "try" to see me in between meetings. I am going to go to the 10:00 group and tell them I must be seen today or I want to go home.

Ashley is up now, asking someone else if she should call her boyfriend. I should have realized the conversation we had yesterday is the conversation she has every day -  with everyone she comes across. That poor girl lives in her head, and it is ALL about him. I am so scared  to end up like that, I absolutely will take back  control of my own life so that doesn't happen to me. I need to have things in my life that make me happy, that fulfill me and don't involve (or should I say aren't FOR) Steve. I used to live some of my life for me and I don't do that anymore. I want to get back to writing, reading, painting, socializing - things that brought me joy and kept my spirits up and my self strong. I need to stop the circular thoughts in my head... they go around and around, obsessive, controlling my mind so that I can't function properly.

Claire is up. She just leaned over to a boquet of flowers (in a water bottle, because glass would be dangerous to have around here) and said, "Pretty flower. We're so happy you bloomed. Pretty flower. We're so happy you bloomed." No joke, this is the scariest place on Earth.

The smallest things suddenly appeal to me that I didn't appreciate before. Waking up in the night to my own sweet baby, not a place full of strangers. Painting my fingernails, sending a text (they wouldn't let me have my cell phone), playing a game with Josh, even cleaning my kitchen feels like a dream because at least I'm choosing it. So many people don't realize that just being able to do things in the privacy of your own home is a blessing. Everything these people do is watched.

There's still an hour before group. Longest hour ever, I think. And I'm starving. How anyone is overweight in this place I'll never know (but most of them are).

And the silence is UNBEARABLE.



11:30 AM

I fell asleep because I couldn't stand the silence, and then Christina* and Sara* came in and got me for an evaluation. They agreed that I don't belong here and helped me gat an appointment with Dr. Shrink (that's what we'll call her) at 3 pm. Once I get that done, I'm going home. I can hardly wait to go hug and kiss my kids and play games with them and make love to my husband. I'm going to be ultra-assertive and try to get my Concerta + Prozac combo back before I leave. I can hardly wait to get this straightened out and start living my life again.

Speaking of impatience... I can't wait for lunch. I don't care what slop they serve, I'm eating it, because I'm seriously starving.

(to be continued)




*Name changed for privacy purposes

1 comment:

  1. Holy wow. I'm riveted by your journey and your blog and I'm so glad I dropped in to read a few more of your posts. I don't even have the words...but this is amazing. I'm so glad you are writing it all down.

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