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What you can expect:
The brutal truth of me, without all the sugary coating.
Here I am just me, UNCUT and UNEDITED.
I talk about my family, my divorce, and a lot about MAKEUP.
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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Beautiful Disaster

I'll admit it, I think I'm kinda pretty. I look a little bit like my mom did when she was in high school, a little bit like each of my beautiful sisters, and a little bit independently me. I wouldn't consider myself the natural kind of beautiful - I require intense amounts of makeup, hair dye, and straightening. I definitely haven't always been beautiful - In school I was the very definition of "awkward teenager". But, as a 25-year-old woman, I think I'm decently pretty.

Trouble is... pretty isn't enough. Pretty doesn't come close to being enough, and I am a disaster in my mind.

Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think, "How could he be with me? I'm hideous."

Then again sometimes. There are the times when I look at myself in the mirror and think, "How could he be unhappy with me? I'm pretty and I love him." Why doesn't he see me for who I am? Why doesn't he understand that he has a gorgeous wife and how many people aren't so lucky?

My mind tricks me, though. On those days (after a 2-hour getting ready session) when I look good, I forget about the tricks my mind plays on me.

Not only am I extremely difficult to live with and deal with on a daily basis (a result of my bi-polar/depression/ADD combo), I am also egotistical about my intelligence (to the point of being unteachable), dangerously depressed when I don't feel good enough (which is most of the time), and as stubborn as the most hard-headed ox.

Sometimes I wonder, is the fact that I can achieve "beautiful" the reason he puts up with me being a disaster? Surely he's not that shallow... and my looks definitely aren't good enough to make up for my attitude.

I suppose the only explanation is that he loves me.

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